WWPP

[erastes]

Where is Lucius Malfoy and his family?  Do you really think, for one minute, that Lucius, the consummate Slytherin is languishing in Azkaban?  Not a bit of it.  With much thanks to gehayi who tracked 99 percent of these proofs down.  It seems our golden family are in fact having to make a new life, and are (horror) having to work for a living - modelling for romance book covers.(and icons)

Proof positive that the Malfoys are now in the Wizarding Witness Protection Program:  Image heavy.

Love and the Loathsome Leopard


Narcissa tries an innocent act with an Auror dressed in neo-Regency clothes.  After this cover shoot she went to audition for Bewitched 2.

Of course what really makes this perfect is that there's a notorious HP fanfic in which Lucius Malfoy is a were-leopard, Harry Potter is his Chosen and Draco Malfoy is having a baby. I'm pretty sure Narcissa would regard leopards as loathsome on general principle.

**

Vote for Love


Narcissa is asked to play out the Spinner's End scene with a Muggle, and swoons.

Loving Becky


Although I think it's perfectly obvious from the pained expression and distinct lack of any interest in his breeches, that Lucius really really doesn't.

***

The Rancher's Daughter


Narcissa: "Even think of kissing me, Muggle boy, and I will make you pray for death. And I'll ENJOY it."

***


Lucius with an orange tan out of a bottle and a fluorescent tattoo.

***

Swan Road

In which young Draco backs away from a woman who is absolutely demanding CPR.

***
The Outlaw Hearts


Draco in leather pants, looking bored by the prospect of a blowjob by Little Red Riding Hood.

***

Passion Moon Rising


You think this is Narcissa?  WRONG!  This is Lucius in drag: "You, boy, are NOT Snape. You're not even Macnair."

***

Calenture

Luciuslooking pregnant in green, and Draco dressed like something from a jumble sale. Meanwhile, in the lower left corner, Professor Flitwick takes notes for future blackmail.  From the looks of the background, I'd say that the chandelier's seen better days.

Or The Zombie Family Malfoy, if you prefer

***

Kiss Your Elbow


Nothing says special like Narcissa glowing with sparkly magic and beaming because she's about to Incendio the Ministry of Magic once and for all.  I think "Kiss Your Elbow" is the publisher being polite about what she's really saying?

***

Flame Vine

It's amazing how lipstick is all it takes to transform Lucius into a passable girl.  "My Life as a Lap Dancer" by Lucius Malfoy.

***

Apache Magic


Lucius: "Just let me get a good grip so that I fling this wench into the mountain lake behind her..."

***

Border Lord
   

He doesn't really seem to realise he's having to work for a living, does he? Bored Lord, really. He was annoyed that the sign hid his...legs.

***

Finder's Keepers


Narcissa Black Malfoy IS Sarah Connor in "The Terminator."

***

Alcandian Quest


Sirius and Lucius, together again.

"I thought you were dead?"
"I thought YOU were in prison..."

***

Dare Me


Nekkid Lucius stares at the stupid Muggle instrument and wishes it was a bit bigger. Nekkid Narcissa is his groupie.

***

The Beloved One


Once more, Draco looks confused, disbelieving and a little bored as a woman promises him the blowjob of his life.

If you find any more of them, let me know!

Comments

[rmanley.livejournal.com]

You owe me danger money, missie. My brain needs bleaching.

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

Eeeeeee!

Your sleuthing skills leave me speechless.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

*evil giggle*

[erastes.livejournal.com]

All gehayi's work (apart from the Loving Becky one which was zehavit_lamasu's find...

But Lucius does seem to get a lot of work this way! Far more lucrative than killing people.

[sionnain.livejournal.com]

Dude...

I can't...stop...laughing!!!

Your commentary was the VERY BEST PART.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Again, mostly gehayi's work, I added a little here and there!

We are very happy you liked 'em. Nice to know my boy is not in prison though. Although, by the look of his face in Loving Becky, I think he's wondering if he made the right choice.

*G*

[themostepotente.livejournal.com]

*snorts* Has Becky seen the 'Loving Becky' one?

[gunderpants.livejournal.com]

I really can't get over how ugly the cover of that "Paranormal Mates Society" book is. How on earth are they going to get readers when the person on the cover looks frighteningly like a used RealDoll?!

[kethlenda.livejournal.com]

*dies laughing*

The "Lucius" on "Loving Becky" is even more Lucius than most of the others. I think it must be the hair tie.

The one on "Paranormal Mates Society" looks like actual fanart I've seen on the interwebs.

*rollson floor in hysterics* I love mocking cheesy romance covers, and you've just made it even better.

[ter369.livejournal.com]

I laughed so loud, J.K. Rowling may have heard it allll the way in Scotland.

May I link to this, since the post isn't locked?

[lee-rowan.livejournal.com]

As Sherlock Holmes would say, I see you have lately visited the Smart Bitches archive.

[liriaen.livejournal.com]

Eeeep! My eyes got unstuck! Lucius in drag = priceless. I've been imagining your comments like the voice over track from a DVD - to great and stunning effect. :D

[ariadneelda.livejournal.com]

Ahahaha! Your comments are even better than the covers. :D

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Yes,she said she wasn't a bit surprised!

[erastes.livejournal.com]

It's a real pet peeve of mine. Specially with print books - I've known friends who have had to take a Harry Potter cover to disguise the godawfulness of the covers if they wanted to take their book out in public.

*shudder*

[erastes.livejournal.com]

We'll have to keep our eyes out for more Malfoy Moonlighting, then, won't we?

*G*

[erastes.livejournal.com]

of course, nothing locked here!

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Oh I'm a great fan of smart bitches, and it was easier to pull most of them from there, rather than seek out the originals, but we had to link them all together in a Malfoy way, and it was the Loving Becky that set us off - after that, we just had to find some more!

[erastes.livejournal.com]

I do think the Lap Dancing Lucius is more realistic than the other one! Thanks! We are glad you enjoyed 'em!

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Lucius is not happy that Snape is laughing....

:(

But thank you, the comments are mostly gehayi's but I did a little bit!

[ter369.livejournal.com]

You are so fun! Thanks.

[sabethea.livejournal.com]

argh gods, a time to be grateful that my parents didn't come downstairs to ask what i was giggling about (though my son was fascinated!)

The Zombie FAmily Malfoy just *has* to be my favourite.

[nineveh-uk.livejournal.com]

It does make a lot of sense - moreover, I suspect that Narcissa has seen this option coming for some time. She's clearly trying out her romance heroine moves in Snape in Spinner's End.

[lee-rowan.livejournal.com]

What's kind of scary is how much so many of those covers actually resemble the Malfoy family.

[fantomeq.livejournal.com]

Mysid told me to head down here. This makes me so happy!!! Lovely captions as well.

[kenazfiction.livejournal.com]

A bit of a tangent, but can you-- or anyone else-- explain to me why erotica e-books all have those creepy Sims on the cover? The content may be brilliant, but I'll never know because the freaky Elvish demons with their orange bottle tans and flourescent tattoos frighten me.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

I think that one's my 2nd favourite after "Loving Becky"

*G*

[erastes.livejournal.com]

She so was the fainting heroine, wasn't she? I mean.. gah!!!

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I don't really play in fandom any more, but this was too much fun not to do!

*G*

[erastes.livejournal.com]

I really don't know - I have this discussion in my LJ before, and people have got quite snitty about it "My publisher can't afford to pay for artists" but my point is that the SIMS type covers must take a long time to do anyway - and I'd never be able to take something like this

http://www.smartbitchestrashybooks.com/images/uploads/ears.jpeg

onto the bus.

I don't know. I really don't. If I was someone like Storm Constantine, I'd rather die than let my book out with Zombie Malfoys on it.

here via mysid

[secretsolitaire.livejournal.com]

Hahahaha, these are great! Thanks for the laugh. :-D

[aunty_marion]

I giggled all through those, thank you! Did I ever tell you about the character a friend of mine created (with a little help from me, my spellchecker+her dyslexia, and a couple of friends online...) - Luscious Malfoy, Lucius's cross-dressing cabaret-singer identical twin brother? He's 15 minutes older than Lucius, but a Squib so he can't inherit; he's not gay, but Lucius is; his name is Gabriel, his stage name was Gabrielle, but one of his (very camp) managers said: "Oh, dahling, you are luscious!" and it stuck... and there are supposed to be scenes in her story where for various reasons Lucius is restricted to the UK (mostly at Hogwarts), but in his capacity as head of the Wizarding Secret Service needs to go to Russia, so he and Luscious change roles... Some of those book covers would fit perfectly!

[erastes.livejournal.com]

He sounds adorable!

what's worrying though is that ff.net is FILLED with Luscious Malfoys - people who actually think that he's spelled like that.

I read one once and had to comment and say "Look, it's LUCIUS - get the spelling right, it's not hard."

and she said: "Oh well, I've seen it written both ways, and I prefer this way"

ME: But - the canon spelling is Lucius.

Her: Oh - the books. I've never read the BOOKS.

*HEADDESK*

Perhaps Luscious=Gabrielle helps Lucius out when he's double booked?

*G*

Re: here via mysid

[erastes.livejournal.com]

We are very happy you enjoyed! Hello!