Finished my "nasty character" piece

[erastes]

And guess what? It's NOT slashy!!! (well, ok, it does have my executioner looking at the doomed king in interest and the doomed king DOES touch the executioner, (on the cheek.. his FACE CHEEK)....but that's it. No frantic shaggage in a dungeon.)

It's gen! *feels pulse to see if I'm all right*

Now I need to make it readable. it's a bit bitty

Am pleased. Where are all the gay erotica submission calls? Even Nightcharm has closed down for fiction submissions, which is not fair.

It's NINETY degrees in this OFFICE by the way. Just sayin'

I'm doing a list of descriptive text that is used in gay porn, I'd promised both rwday and theregoesyamum that I'd do it ages ago, and never got around to it, so watch out for that later this evening.

Let me just say that "engorged fuck-tube" is one of the nicer terms. There are so many "how to write gay porn" articles floating about here and there that I'm tempted one of these days to write "and how not to, please, really. I mean it" to make a balance. I know that a lot of the anthologies are wank books but things like "pulsing jism" really doesn't do it for me. Just looked up "jism" on etymology online - evidently it was coined in 1899. Well that's that. I'm never writing anything based earlier than 1899.

*retreats further into the past*

*presses send and hopes the formatting works coz if not I can't fix it for an hour*

Comments

[gehayi.livejournal.com]

Here's my personal list of bad sexual euphemisms/expressions:

Elfhood.

Throbbing man-spear.

Love sword. It really gets bad when Harry's penis is referred to as the love sword of Gryffindor. I start wondering at that point if Harry rented the penis from Godric.

Man-meat. According to GAFF, there's an archive out there that substitutes all uses of the word "cock" with the word "man-meat." As one of the GAFFers said, this leads to odd situations, especially when the writer refers to a peacock and the archive turns the word into "pea-man-meat."

The Hot Beef Injection. When I first saw this, I thought the poster was joking. I've since seen it three times. She wasn't.

Any reference to a Gryffindor's penis being like a rising phoenix.

Any reference to a Slytherin's penis being like a rearing serpent or dragon, about to strike.

"Her honey-flavored juices." (And no, no one was using honey as a lubricant.)

In a scene discussing impregnation, NOTHING should be described as "a hot love bullet scoring a bullseye in her womb."

"Love wand" sounds like a sex toy. No one should have one attached to his body.

"His thick man root" is just wrong.

This one--"he bacon'ed his sausage o' fun into her love box"--is wrong on so many levels that there are no words for it.

Breasts being called "squeezable mounds" makes me think of that old ad for toilet paper: "Please don't squeeze the Charmin."

"Little Moony" and "Little Padfoot" don't work as euphemisms. They sound like nicknames for puppies, not for penises.

I would like to declare a moratorium on the phrase "cold, dead seed" for fics in which one of the parties is a vampire. Exactly why a vampire would be exuding semen is beyond me.

In any story in which the male is physically, psychically or magically different, the love interest should NOT say, "I can't go on without your mutant juices in me."

"Bald-headed butler" as a euphemism for a penis is just plain idiotic.

I would like authors to know basic anatomy. "His seed spilled into her womb" doesn't cut it.

A tongue should not be called a "long, velvety mouth appendage."

I'd also like to advise people to use the right word, not the one that comes close to it. Examples of not QUITE right wording:

"What the hell is a condemn?" Draco had never heard of such a thing.

She rested her chin genitally on his shoulder.

"Raging" penises. That always makes me picture a penis shouting at someone.

The female characters should not be "gushing love juices."

It's very odd to read a slashfic and to find that the author has described the anus as a "rosebud."

While I accept that werewolves are canonical in many fandoms, and an acceptable part of fantasy lit, I have to say that there is no such creature as a "were-virgin." If a girl becomes a virgin every full moon, something is WRONG. (And yes, I've seen this one.)

I do not understand why some males in fic have "heroic" penises. That always summons a rather Monty Python-ish image of a knight-errant penis attempting to slay a bewildered dragon.

(Regrettably, yes, I have seen "heroic" penises--as well as heroic cocks--numerous times. It appears to be a fairly common description, along with the "horse penis"--you know, the guy walking into a room with a penis dangling between his knees. I think that the guys with the dangly bits down to their knees carry rulers around with them, because they always seem to know just how long their sex organs are--ten inches, twelve inches, two feet, and so on. I guess they measure the organs before foreplay or something. Or maybe that IS foreplay.)

A penis should not be described as a "periscope."

Add "molten core" to the list of bad descriptions for women. It sounds like a volcano.

If a guy has sex with a virgin girl in a fic, I don't want to read about him "giving her her womanhood." A double-X chromosome already did that.

A man "fulfilling her womanhood," while similar, is annoying in another way--it seems to imply that the only way that a woman can be fulfilled as a person is by being screwed by someone...it doesn't matter who.

Moss-covered logs should NOT be used as dildos. This should go without saying, but I've seen fics where such unusual accoutrements are used, so I just thought I should mention it.

[reddwarfer.livejournal.com]

*DIES DIES DIES*

Have you ever heard of the manga "Chintsubu"?

Because the raging penis line made me think of it.



yes. that's what it is.

[cleverthylacine]

OhEmGee they translated THAT?

[reddwarfer.livejournal.com]

Nakama has...like all of V.1 and most of V.2 Like 25 chapters or something of it.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Moss covered LOGS????

Periscopes!!!

One thing I would whip out, when faced by a dragon would be my penis, heroic or otherwise. *giggles*

These are AWFUL. I'll link to this list when I do my list. Prob'ly tomorrow now.

And what the hell is an elfhood?

[gehayi.livejournal.com]

Ever hear a man's penis referred to as a "manhood"? Well, an "elfhood" is the penis of a male elf. At least, that's how I've seen it used.

I hope you're going to include "cream-filled Twinkie of love" as well. I've seen that one too often for my peace of mind.

[gehayi.livejournal.com]

Oh, and you should see these links:

Weird words for male genitalia

What euphemisms make you cringe?

What euphemisms make you cringe II

[catsintheattic.livejournal.com]

I love your list. It made me laugh out loud in the middle of the night.

Best parts ever:

long, velvety mouth appendage - seems more like a disease to me.

The typos were great - condemn the condom! And to rest one's chin genitally on another person's shoulder calls for a career in the circus!

While a friend of mine once claimed that after some years of solitary one should be able to claim the title "honorary virgin", I think the idea of a were-virgin is totally out of question.

giving her her womanhood - I imagine her thanking him so much for fumbling around with her chromosomes. Lol.

[kethlenda.livejournal.com]

Elfhood? Sounds like someone read too many trashy romance novels and decided to extrapolate "manhood," without fully thinking it through and realizing there are both male and female elves.

Were-virgins?

*dies laughing*