meme sheep!

[erastes]

Pickpocketed from Alex Beecroft:

Ask any character I've written for advice, and they will provide it, advice columnist style. Your problems or fictional characters' problems both welcome. Management is not responsible for the results of following said advice.

Oh dear. I can’t see this going well.

Comments

[the-sea-to.livejournal.com]

Dear Alvisi,

I have a very irritating boss. What shall I do?

Love

Chris

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Il mio caro,

In my day there were not the medicines available for this sort of thing, but I've heard that Canestan works wonders for intimate itching.

http://www.canesten.co.uk/thrush/thrush.htm?gclid=CKz6ncm2ypkCFQMEZgody0ZKtw

In the meantime, I'd recommend a good pox doctor for your boss.

Ciao,

Conte Achille Alfredo Bonetti de Alvisi
*rakish leer*

[the-sea-to.livejournal.com]

My most gracious thanks my lord,

And if I were to wish to disingenously remove him from the land of the living - what would you suggest? I fear he may interfere with my 'travels'.

Yours,

Chris

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Without treatment, you need only wait, it's a most amusing death.

But if you wish to hasten the process, I suggest the juice of Amanita bisporigera (such a pretty pretty name) in his morning cioccolato.

[the-sea-to.livejournal.com]

M'Lord -

have you been informed of www.wikiepdia.org.

I am sure you can while away a few diverting hours.

Yours,

Chris

*looks appreciatingly at Alvisi*

[the-sea-to.livejournal.com]

Dear Lucius Malfoy,

How do I get you to be my bitch?

Love

Voldie

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Dear Loser,

Considering you are a pathetic baby stuck in Hell's waiting room with Dumbledore for ever, (and frankly it's the least either of you deserve), the only way that that would happen is...

Well. Never.

Smugly getting away with it as ever.

Not yours,

Lucius.

[the-sea-to.livejournal.com]

Lucius.

I have Snape.

Your call?

Voldie... (came back once, can come back again - blondie!)

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Really. You expect me to believe that a man who has worked undercover for years, who is one of the foremost potion-masters on the planet and who works for an insane meglomaniac with a poisonous snake isn't going to be as saturated in anti-venom as Sluggy ever was?

Puhleeze.

If you check the third cabana on my estate in Trinidad, you might be surprised.

[the-sea-to.livejournal.com]

Lucius,

Not joking. We have a problem. I checked your cabana - you've a Snape. I've a Snape. And in Godric's Hollow Harry Potter DEFININTELY has a Snape.

It's like a fucking collectors set.

V.

[sinick.livejournal.com]

Time-turners are wonderful things.

[sinick.livejournal.com]

Stop teasing old snakeface and hurry back!

There's only so many batches of sunscreen even _I_ can brew, before I start shagging cabana boys out of sheer bloody boredom.

[mylodon.livejournal.com]

Dear Major Chaloner

What is wrong with my blooming nose this winter? all I want to do is breathe properly.

Yr obd servant

Mylodon

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Dear Myldon,

I am no expert in the arcane art of human biology, but one does tend to breathe rather through one's nose, especially if caught in town during the summer (although what man of quality would do that?)

My friend, Mr Heyward suggests a posy for the nose, my dear wife Emily suggests a few sprigs of eucalyptus - whilst not at all cheap to procure, can help clear the nose admirably.

most respectfully,

Chaloner.(Mjr)

[mylodon.livejournal.com]

Major Chaloner,

Without wishing to appear rude, I might suggest various places those posies and sprigs could go, none of which involve my nasal passages. Tried them. Failed.

Yrs grumpily

Mylodon

[alex-beecroft.livejournal.com]

Dear Fleury,

I'm bored. What should I do?

Love,
Alex

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Alex,

Well, I think the questions should be, my boy, "what do I want to do" or "what can I get away with doing" or "what would give me pleasure." (or pecuniary recompense, which is almost as good)

Work out what's most important, put them in order and then enjoy.

If that fails, me bucko, I'm off on a trip to the Americas today, so how about cutting loose and accompanying me?

With very kind regards

Fleury

[alex-beecroft.livejournal.com]

Many thanks to you, Fleury! And I am booking my ticket to the New World at once.

[anderyn.livejournal.com]

Dear Major Chaloner,

I confess that this is somewhat beyond the pale, but I am in quite the quandary. As the third son, my father arranged for me to go into the church, and to marry my cousin Edith, all quite proper.

But, now. I find myself in Egypt, with thieves, murderers, and -- Good God! Howard from College -- and, well, in short order, I have been shanghaied into serving a bloody Egyptian goddess and informed that I am a mage, and that I have a familiar, who happens to be an attractive young man.

Whatever shall I do? I would someday like to return to England and polite society!

Yours,

Christopher (Kit) Grace

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Dear Mr Grace,

I am somewhat at a loss to understand your letter, for you seem to speak of delusions and madness of a type that I would expect from that cad Byron and his associates.

I would come home directly. Nothing gives the body more of a steady hand than the cool weather and icy society of London in the Spring. I've heard that Egypt can rot the brain.

I am, respectfully yours,

Chaloner(Mjr)

[semioticwarrior.livejournal.com]

Dear Fleury,

When are you getting your own book, dammit?

Signed,

A fan

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Ah, now, that's the question, isn't it? Here I am, cooling my heels on this damned ship, and have been doing so for two whole years! The Flying Dutchman has nothing on me, and I'll wager he was a lot better around the arse than the captain I'm lumbered with.

I write to that Greek eejit regularly to try and get an appointment but all I gets is excuses. "Sorry, Fleury," he says, "I've some boys in Norfolk that need to be saved." or "Sorry, Fleury, you'll have to be patient because I've got an idea about a lighthouse."

Well it's just not good enough, do ye hear?

If there's anything ye can do to further me cause, you'll not find old Fleury ungrateful, if you catch what I'm saying to you...

F

[crawling-angel.livejournal.com]

Dear Rafe,

Exactly how long did it take you to run and chase after Ambrose and take him in your arms and swirl him round and round until he felt giddy with spinnage and happiness?

Yours nosily,

Crawly

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Dear Crawly, (Any relation to the Somersetshire Crawlys?

Luckily for this old man, Ambrose allows himself to be caught more easily that he can be, which means there is much swirling and spinnage which inevitably leads to dizzy kisses.

Happily,

Rafe Francois D'Alphonse Goshawk

[lilian-cho.livejournal.com]

Dear Lucius Malfoy,

My son is v. vocal when things do not go his way. How do I assure him of his superior place in the world while making sure he stays obedient to me?

Sincerely,

A concerned parent.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Dear Parent,

He needs to be assured that he is the second most important person in the world, and that by being that he owes a responsibility to you, and his family by behaving AT ALL TIMES in a way that will not disgrace his eminent name.

The weight of his duty should cow him sufficiently in this case, but if this still doesn't work, I find that Crucio, used in small but effective doses, will bring him to heel.

Malfoy, L