God I’m dim.

[erastes]

I’m dimmer than a 2 watt bulb. Literally.

I’ve been waiting and waiting for Chiaroscuro’s rights to revert to me so I can publish with someone else, and I suddenly realised TODAY – 3 years later – that Aspen Mountain Press only have the DIGITAL RIGHTS. I could have published it as a print novel at any time.  *KILLS SELF*

You see?  1 watt bulb. If that.  Aren’t you glad someone is making these mistakes so you can learn by them?

This call for submissions is all kinds of Speshul.

Fiction should avoid the following phrases: "it just," or "it seems," or "It just seems," or "it seemed like," or "I just." Only two exclamation points are allowed per 8,000 words. 

All fiction will be critiqued and an explanation of acceptance or rejection will be provided. It is suggested that all writers submitting have at least taken a college level composition class within the last three years.

Only two exclamation points!   Oh Noes!  Damn!

“Oh no,” shrieked John. “There’s a massive wall of water coming towards us.”

“oh no,” screamed Alice.  “Run.”

“We are all going to die,” yelled John.

“I don’t want to die.” Alice cried.

That composition course shows doesn’t it?

Comments

[chris-smith-atr.livejournal.com]

As it is supposed to be "The Last" whatever -- I suggest it should be entirely done in the first person of an extremely cynical and jaded (whatever). No exclamation marks allowed then. "Oh, a wall of water. How typical." "It has wiped out humanity. I'm alone. Well, guess that was bloody expected." "I can't be fucked with this. I'll kill myself."

There, all sorted. Flesh it out and submit!!!!

I love it!

[erastes.livejournal.com]

it's marvin the paranoid android.

"An apocalypse. That's exactly what WOULD happen."

Re: I love it!

[chris-smith-atr.livejournal.com]

"A brain the size of a planet and I've got no one else here to talk to. I think.. I may be... happy."

[joannesopercook.livejournal.com]

*dies laughing*

[alex-beecroft.livejournal.com]

I just don't think I'll be submitting to this one. It seems like too much trouble for $5 or a copy of the magazine. Cheapskates!

[lee-rowan.livejournal.com]

Not only cheapskates, but how in the world did they come up with two exclamation points per 8K words? As your icon demonstrates, one of the greatest writers of our time knows that sometimes more is better.

[alex-beecroft.livejournal.com]

Admittedly Pterry says that "four exclamation marks were the signs of a deranged mind" but at least he got the chance to demonstrate that.

[lee-rowan.livejournal.com]

Well!!! What if your Last Survivor (tm) is deranged? What then, eh????

[alex-beecroft.livejournal.com]

Oh no. Mad Lord Moriarty cursed the day he had deployed the doomsday weapon. Deprived of his evil laugh, he was slowly being driven sane.

Mwahahahahahah. It just didn't have the same ring to it.

[gehayi.livejournal.com]

It is suggested that all writers submitting have at least taken a college level composition class within the last three years.

Oh, well, that lets me out, considering that I graduated from college in 1984.

Ageists!

[joannesopercook.livejournal.com]

Yes, precisely so! Those bastards. I'm older than dirt.

Does it say anything about having taken Comp during the bubonic plague?

[vashtan.livejournal.com]

Amusing how some 18 year old can set up a free website and start being all high-and-mighty about it.

Five dollars? Wow. That's PLENTY money to put up with a bit of teenage attitude.

[beckyblack]

Think I'll reply saying "It is suggested that you remove your head from your rear end. This will facilitate your search for a stepladder, which you may then use to assist you in getting over yourself."

[joannesopercook.livejournal.com]

"It just seems like I just seem to justify (seemingly) only two exclamation points - is that just, or is that just me?"

"Help." Lauren cried out. "Help. Oh. Help."

"I am going to kill you all." The monster lurched towards them. "I will kill you. And you. And especially you."

"Oh help." Lauren lamented especially the lack of exclamation points. To die in so undeclarative a fashion was simply criminal.

Mother. Of. God. Kill it with fire...

[erastes.livejournal.com]

*giggling helplessly*

If you took out the exclamation points from thrillers they would turn into post modern literary novels.

[joannesopercook.livejournal.com]

Maybe that's what this is...it's a horrible plot by those PoMo-loving pinkos!!!!! :D

[nagasvoice.livejournal.com]

"I have this pain in the diodes all down my left side..."

[erastes.livejournal.com]

It just sucks! It seems like it sucks anyway. I mean, It seems to suck.

BAH!!!

[kittymay.livejournal.com]

well! i! can't! send! anything! my! history! degree! iz! not! good! enuff!!!! lolz

ps:i! rite! all! my! essayz! in! txtspk!!

[lee-rowan.livejournal.com]

Part the first: READ your contract. It's boring, it makes the eyes cross, but ... at least read the part that says WHAT they get and for HOW LONG.

Part the second: I'm not sure I ever took a college composition course. But I had a ferocious English teacher in my second year of high school, and some professional editors who beat my fanfic into shape. And I read.

And I'm not going to ever send anything to some pompous twerp who thinks the literary sun shines out of his or her behind. A $5-no-royalties fee? Even translated into the appropriate pounds-shillings-pence, I don't think Mary Shelly would've found $5 or one contrib copy adequate recompense.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Oh I read it - believe me - I even had the date marked in my diary - it just didn't SINK IN that I still had the print rights. It was 3 years ago and it didn't OCCUR to me that you could publish the same book with two different publishers. Until yesterday.

D'OH!!!!

[valarltd.livejournal.com]

My last college English course was 18 years ago.

But of course no one so ancient could possibly be writing post-apoc SF. We're all too busy paying mortgages, chauffering our 2.5 children (and .5 is a booger to get in the car-seat) and you know, being grownups. We don't write and all our dreams have been crushed out of us by the soulless corporations.

Seriously, the exclamation point thing doesn't bother me. If your character is the last person on earth, ze is not going to be yelling at anyone. No one left to yell at. I use them sparingly anyway. I'm not sure there are more than two in my whole pirate novel and both of those are bellowing over the tumult of battle.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

I disagree about not shouting - I believe that Will Smith's last man shouted a lot - and you'd do that a lot to see if you WERE the last person, then you'd scream a lot just because. Or I would. Then I'd talk to myself. I do that anyway - with exclamation points - living alone, so being alone on the planet wouldn't make any difference! ::)

[kcwarwick.livejournal.com]

So is someone going to go through the submissions counting the exclamation marks? I hope they get paid more than five dollars.

[semioticwarrior.livejournal.com]

The editor will get her comeuppance when she is inundated by hundreds of crappy manuscripts from freshman comp students who will hold her to her promise of a complete and thorough crit of their pretentious garbaggio.

[angrboda]

Fiction should avoid the following phrases: "it just," or "it seems," or "It just seems," or "it seemed like," or "I just."

Erm... what's wrong with those? Exactly...?

[erastes.livejournal.com]

I don't know - it's odd isn't it? I really feel like asking. Perhaps the editor has only got to "i" on their writing class.

[angrboda]

Maybe they only like stories in which the characters are always completely 100% certain about everything. They are never in doubt and therefore nothing ever seems like something else. Or something. There's just no logic in that. I dare them to find a decent sized story in which none of those phrases are used ever. I bet they can't.

[angelabenedetti.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I saw that one. [eyeroll]

I love the continuing ed. requirement -- what, every writer is supposed to take "college level composition" every three years, or they sink into radical suckitude...? :P

Angie

[erastes.livejournal.com]

It makes me laugh that that's the standard they WANT!...

[charliecochrane.livejournal.com]

Ah no, you see you've got it orl rong, the lot of you.

They want to eliminate badly written stories which would never sell. Take that Austen girl. Got a book called Pride and Prefabs or something. Never took a college course in her life and uses all her !!'s up by the middle of page two.

See? Unacceptable rubbish.