National Poetry Day

[erastes]

Three poems of differing delightedness and three of my very favourites.  I love a lot of the more familiar, serious and pretentious such as "Rage rage against the dying of the light.." and stuff like that but I wanted to share with you three that you may not have heard/read before, and which never fail to make me smile.

1. Back Answers by Robb Wilton

More correctly known as a monologue, which was a popular medium in Victorian Times and the age of the Music Hall and Variety. This site here is full of them and they bring my childhood back to me almost painfully.  Robb Wilton was a northerner with a wicked sense of humour. If you can get hold of him actually reciting this - there are recordings still available, then DO.  The words don't do justice to theirselves and need to read aloud with his impeccable sense of timing and wonderful accent.


I'm subject to colds and they make me quite deaf
And then I can't hear what you say
A fellow once offered to buy me a drink
(I heard that with a cold, by the way)
So we're drinking and talking of women we've known
I described a sweet girl dressed in red
My description was good, and my pal went half mad
It was the girl he was planning to wed!
He said 'I'll punch your head!'
I said 'Whose?' He said 'Yours!'
I said 'Mine?' He said 'Yes!' I said 'Oh?'
He said 'Want a fight?' I said 'Who?' He said 'You!'
I said 'Me?' He said 'Yes!' I said 'No!'
So we then came to words, he said 'You're a cad!'
I said 'Cad?' He said 'Yes!' I said 'Who?'
He said 'Who?' I said 'Yes?' He said 'You!'
I said 'Oh?' So of course then I knew

The day I got married, some years ago,
I'll always remember the scene...
Me and Jim Lowe, married Maudie and Flo
Who were twin sisters and always 'ad been.
We were married alright at quarter past two
But some'ow we must've got mixed...
Jim said, 'Which is mine?' I said, 'Oh, never mind!'
Let's get the blessed thing fixed."
He said, 'Have you married Flo?
I said, 'Flo! I don't know,
But... If I 'ave, you've got one.'
He said, 'I wanted Flo!' I said, ' Oh, is that so?
'Your only chance has just gone.'
He said, 'Did you know... that you'd married Flo?'
I said, 'No... I don't know that I knew.'
He said, 'You've married mine,
'She's got ten thousand pounds!'
I said, ' Well, never mind... she'll do!'

A cruise on the sea is a thing that suits me
And I've done some sailing, it's true
I was at my wits end when setting out from Land's End
One night when I'd had one or two
The captain came out on the bridge and said 'Lads,
We are doomed, the old tub's going down
To the boats every man... except you!' I said 'Me?'
He said 'Yes, there's no room, you must drown'
I said 'Drown?' He said 'Drown! The ship's going down
Don't you stand arguing there!
I've just told you straight, there's no room for you, mate,
In the boats or in fact anywhere.
I know it's upsetting, but what's the use fretting
We might have lost all of the crew
But now, as I say, we can all get away
And only lose one... and that's you!'

2. Mary Pugh by Spike Milligan

I've loved this one since birth, it seems to me. I was in my cot while my parents laughed at the Goons, and my mother bought me "Silly Verse for Kids" as soon as it came out and read it to me at night. I was also a complete fan of Hilaire Belloc's Cautionary Tales (which are well worth a giggle too, if you haven't read them)

Mary Pugh
"Mary Pugh was only two
When she went out of doors.
She went out standing up, she did,
But came back on all fours.
The moral of this story
(Please meditate and pause):
Never send a baby out
In loosely-waisted drawers."

3. The Lion and Albert by Marriot Edgar

This last is another comic monologue (I had the sort of upbringing where we'd put on shows all the time, very theatrical and Little Women) called "The Lion and Albert" by Marriot Edgar.  Again it needs a great northern accent to do it justice.  It has a lot of dark humour, which I adore.

The Lion and Albert

There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool,
That's noted for fresh-air and fun,
And Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Went there with young Albert, their son.

A grand little lad was their Albert
All dressed in his best; quite a swell
'E'd a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle
The finest that Woolworth's could sell.

They didn't think much to the ocean
The waves, they was fiddlin' and small
There was no wrecks... nobody drownded
'Fact, nothing to laugh at, at all.

So, seeking for further amusement
They paid and went into the zoo
Where they'd lions and tigers and cam-els
And old ale and sandwiches too.

There were one great big lion called Wallace
His nose were all covered with scars
He lay in a som-no-lent posture
With the side of his face to the bars.

Now Albert had heard about lions
How they were ferocious and wild
And to see Wallace lying so peaceful
Well... it didn't seem right to the child.

So straight 'way the brave little feller
Not showing a morsel of fear
Took 'is stick with the'orse's 'ead 'andle
And pushed it in Wallace's ear!

You could see that the lion didn't like it
For giving a kind of a roll
He pulled Albert inside the cage with 'im
And swallowed the little lad... whole!

Then Pa, who had seen the occurrence
And didn't know what to do next
Said, "Mother! Yon lions 'et Albert"
And Mother said "Eeh, I am vexed!"

So Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Quite rightly, when all's said and done
Complained to the Animal Keeper
That the lion had eaten their son.

The keeper was quite nice about it
He said, "What a nasty mishap
Are you sure that it's your lad he's eaten?"
Pa said, "Am I sure? There's his cap!"

So the manager had to be sent for
He came and he said, "What's to do?"
Pa said, "Yon lion's 'eaten our Albert
And 'im in his Sunday clothes, too."

Then Mother said, "Right's right, young feller
I think it's a shame and a sin
For a lion to go and eat Albert
And after we've paid to come in!"

The manager wanted no trouble
He took out his purse right away
And said, "How much to settle the matter?"
And Pa said "What do you usually pay?"

But Mother had turned a bit awkward
When she thought where her Albert had gone
She said, "No! someone's got to be summonsed"
So that were decided upon.

Round they went to the Police Station
In front of a Magistrate chap
They told 'im what happened to Albert
And proved it by showing his cap.

The Magistrate gave his o-pinion
That no-one was really to blame
He said that he hoped the Ramsbottoms
Would have further sons to their name.

At that Mother got proper blazing
"And thank you, sir, kindly," said she
"What waste all our lives raising children
To feed ruddy lions? Not me!"

Other great favourites
"When We were Very Young" and "Now We are Six" by A A Milne
The Listeners by De La Mare
Funeral Blues by Auden

Comments

[crawling-angel.livejournal.com]

Funeral Blues just got a small airing on the local news.
Now We are Six...rings a bell.

But how could you forget Dr Zeus, lol.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

ew ew ew. I just hate Suess. Can't help it....

:(

[crawling-angel.livejournal.com]

Aw, the cat who shat in his hat was a classic.

But yes, I hadn't heard the Funeral Blues before..but had tonight..*bes intrigued just cuz I'm like that*

[galadhir.livejournal.com]

A thousand hairy savages
Sitting down to lunch
Gobble gobble, gulp gulp
Munch, munch, munch.

Hee, I used to have that book too, and it remains the only poetry I have memorised to this day :)

Today I saw a little worm
Wriggling on his belly,
Perhaps he'd like to come inside
And see what's on the telly.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Savages!!! Yes! I have that one memorised too - didn't remember the worm one until you said it.

There are holes in the sky,
where the rain gets in
But there are ever so small,
that's why rain is thin

[galadhir.livejournal.com]

Down the stream the swans all glide
It's quite the most elegant way to ride
Their legs get wet, their tummies wetter
I think, after all, the bus is better.

LOL! And that's my last, I think :)

[gehayi.livejournal.com]

When I was growing up, there was a radio personality called Bob Steele, and he used to read "Albert and the Lion" on the air sometimes. And he used to read it with a deliberately bad North-of-England accent. Always loved that poem.