Friday Night Giggles. Yay! Friday!

[erastes]

I found this on my Historical Writers' Yahoo group. by Alan Fish.

The Official Rules for Medievel Detective Fiction

Brilliant!

So. In that light. (Because I'm nothing if not unoriginal) numbers: 3, 6, 9, 11, 13 by gehayi


The Official Rules for Gay Erotica

1. If your protagonist is non-human he is not allowed to only be one sort of non-human. He must be a mix of elf/alien/werewolf/[name species]

2. Eyes are never allowed to be either Blue or Brown. They must fall into one of the following colours: Gold, Silver, Green is permissible as long as they change colour and/or have flecks of gold or silver, Violet, Purple, Red, Indigo, Hazel (same rules as Green)

3. No hero or villain is allowed to have brown hair. The hair MUST be blond, silver-blond, silver-gold, black, jet, raven, onyx, obsidian, copper, scarlet or crimson. Brown hair is for secondary characters possessed of no sexuality whatsoever, like family solicitors and loyal peasants.

4. Common names are Not Allowed and will result in immediate ejection from the Gay Erotica Writer's Society. No hero is called Bill or Tom or Frank. Even humans must have fanciful names and the more fanciful the better. Teodorus, Narcissé, Sulbani. This generator and no other must be used.

5. Sex IS allowed in the bedroom, but if frowned on if there is somewhere else it could possibly happen. Do not pass over the chance of a gondala, a cloud, the limb of a tree, a cupboard, the possibilities are endless.

6. Under no circumstances is a bisexual allowed to enjoy sex with men and women simply because he enjoys sex with men and women. Bisexuals must be either polyamorous to the point of being in heat 24/7 or so wishy/washy that they don't know what gender they prefer.

7. All sexual participants are always hard before disrobing.

8. Sex is always fulfilling, orgasmic, earth shattering. There will be no impotetence in any story.

9. Sex is always a sign of true love on someone's part. Even if one of the partners turns out to be an utter rotter later on, the other one must have been deeply in love, as otherwise the coupling would not have been possible.

10. Penises must be at least 8 inches. The word penis is never to be used, however.

11. There will be no such thing as a gawky adolescent. Any male teenager in a gay romance must be tall, slim, lithe, lean, muscular, unexpectedly manly, have feminine buttocks and, of course, perfect skin. Medium-to-short young men who are either skinny or run to fat and who suffer from acne are not be permitted to be homosexual, as they are not good-looking enough to qualify.

12. No homosexual will EVER be effete, camp, girly. No homosexual will wear pink.

13. All males must carry tape measures around with them, so that they can measure the precise length of their penises, right down to the last millimeter. This is to be considered part of foreplay.

Comments

[haydenthorne.livejournal.com]

10. Penises must be at least 8 inches.

Lies, I'm telling you! All lies! (http://www.altpenis.com/penis_news/global_penis_size_survey.shtml) XD

This link was posted at a writer's forum.

Someone in the forum noted that the U.K. isn't on the list. I wonder what the reasons are. Hmm...

[erastes.livejournal.com]

FRANCE?????????

NO WAY. I've BEEN there, man. They always exaggerate.

[haydenthorne.livejournal.com]

Well, France is the place for romance.

[semioticwarrior.livejournal.com]

That's so effin' awesome.

But isn't there another rule? That one, perhaps, not invent new and ever more egregious misspellings for medieval?

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Yeah yeah, I can't spell non phonetic words. I did ITA at school AFTER I'd already learned to read, it screwed me up completely

[semioticwarrior.livejournal.com]

Oh! I hadn't noticed your spelling (::embarassed::) I was talking about his....

::creeps off into the shadows to cringe some more::

[l-prieto.livejournal.com]

Crap! I just gave the protagonist in my current story brown hair AND a normal name. Do you think the novelty will bemuse readers? ;)

[leatherdykeuk.livejournal.com]

*laughs*

Excellent. I shall adhere to them like oil to trees.

[valarltd.livejournal.com]

Oh lord. Yank my "Gay Erotica Writing License" right now.

My nonhumans are always only one sort. Almost everyone has brown or blue eyes. There are some black and green ones. Most of my characters have brown hair. Sometimes there are blonds or black.

Does this mean Paul and Dan and Chris and Nick and Tom and Chris and Dave and James and David and Steven all have to be renamed?

Beds, preferably in the spoon position. Occasionally sofas and the floor. I'm so boring.

Re 8: *Hides the scene where David loses the erection in mid-screw.* (Give the man a break, he's 60)

Actually, most of my characters are rotters. They have a lot of fun being rotters. And the sex is hotter when you aren't sure you're going to walk out alive.

Re 12: *hides David entirely*

[erastes.livejournal.com]

I think you are taking a big risk. Go you!

[erastes.livejournal.com]

*giggles*

I'm sure I've offended people, but I couldn't help it, I loved the Medievel Detective thing so much

[erastes.livejournal.com]

*rips your badge off*

You will now have to walk the walk of shame, the Gay Gauntlet while all of us hit you with copies of Maurice as you leave.

*giggles*

I won't tell you how many I've broken. Or more shamingly, how many I've adhered to!!!!

[valarltd.livejournal.com]

As long as it's Maurice Gibb, I'm cool. (Hit me, baby, one more time!)

I even have (HORRORS!) characters with grey hair. Who have sex.
And everyone knows it's very gross for people over 35 to have sex.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

No.... EM Forster!!!!

And ewwww!!!!!! No-one over 30, if you don't mind! Grey hair? *gives you bottle of Grecian 2000*

[themostepotente.livejournal.com]

On a cloud. *snorts*

And boo hissss for no effeminate men :P

[gweneiriol.livejournal.com]

hee! this sounds like a good fic challenge actually. One where the writer has to break the rules that is. ;)

[maidenform.livejournal.com]

AHA AHHAHAHAHAHAH!

I am so linking this.

[maidenform.livejournal.com]

Hey, I find salt-and-pepper hair to be sexy, kthnx. :)

[bloodrebel333.livejournal.com]

OH THOSE FRENCH.

(And no wonder singles don't go on holiday to India/Korea. The penises are too short!)

[bloodrebel333.livejournal.com]

8. Sex is always fulfilling, orgasmic, earth shattering. There will be no impotetence in any story.

Word. Seriously - I hardly ever find this in any book, romance or not, gay or not. It's like there's no such thing. It's always earth shattering.

[haydenthorne.livejournal.com]

I really like the appended stuff at the bottom of the page:

"Drop us a line if you'd like to comment on the survey or feel that your country has been misrepresented. Better still, send us results (eg. survey results or a journal reference) for your country if it's not represented above and we'll add it in."

[valarltd.livejournal.com]

You'll love Corin Faw. He's an Irish gypsy, and a werewolf.

Look for "Shifting Again" in October.

[ejab62.livejournal.com]

ROFL!

I'm sure they can also never wear glasses/toupee or think of their own bodies as ugly.

[iulia_linnea.livejournal.com]

Bwah! I like too many of them to quote them back to you, but thanks for the laugh. Also? I went to the penis survey link. The funniest part of that article was the line, "Drop us a line if you'd like to comment on the survey or feel that your country has been misrepresented." [Emphasis mine.] I'm sure I've dated guys who would be only too happy to do that (whether they had a right to, or not). :D