My thoughts on the Half Blood Prince film

[erastes]

1. Oh Dumbledore – you've been DYING to put your arm round Harry like that, haven't you? He's legal now, after all.
2. *blech* Dumbledore puts his arm around Harry, and it's SUPER SUPER SUPER Pedaeristic and creepy in slo-mo and close up on his hand. EWWW! BAD JKR for creating not one but three creepy pederasts in one book.
3. The dark mark is exactly like the Sand Mummy in the The Mummy
4. If wizards could really fly like this, the bad guys would have won years back.
5. Apparently flying wizards need no magic to enter Diagon Alley, which seems rather stupid. If they could have entered like this – there's no way that the Government would have considered it a safe place to put Harry in earlier books.
6. Fenrir is a hot hairy Sean Bean. I KNEW IT
7. Why would it be so bloody terrifying to fall in the Thames? The river police can be there in minutes -–and this is July. It's always July. OK –it's cold, but if salmon can exist, so you can you stupid muggles, suck it up. The book bridge was a high rail one wasn't it? No getting out alive there.
8. No Muggles fell in anyway. Bah.
9. Ok – Death eaters can not only fly but can fly INVISIBLY.
10. .Wizard cafes on underground stations – since when?
11. Yay! Lucius makes the newspaper!
12. Yeah, right. Way out of your league, you tosser. (Wondering: do the Americans KNOW what "tosser" means?)
13. Harry's on drugs for the pain! Hurrah – that will stop him whining about it at least. Oh no, he's testing his breath and takes mints. Oh come on, Harry, do you really think you have a chance with HER? She's got DEATH EATER CRUMPET written all over her. And what are you doing in the underground anyway?
14. And why are you not caring about Sirius. Granted you only bothered for 2 weeks in the books, but one frame wouldn't kill you.
15. Oh DEAR LORD – did no-one notice the advert behind DD's first appearance? I think I love this director. *GUFFAWS * "Magic, your man defines magic." And then BOTH of them go and look at a similar poster which says: "Tonight make a little magic with your man!!!"
16. Awww – the boyfriends reunite – it's so…. Coded!!!
17. *pauses to stop laughing *
18. "Take my arm," says DD (well he would, wouldn't he?) and Harry at least has the decency to look around at what he hoped would be his hook up. Coded.
19. Seven minutes and 24 seconds into the film and not one second of canon. I'm not complaining mind you.
20. Apparently according to DD most people vomit the first time. Well, if they were doing it with him, I'm not surprised.
21. "I assume you are wondering why I've brought you here, am I right?" AND YOU WERE WRONG OF COURSE, you hideous pompous ass.
22. "Wands on?" What the hell?
23. Ewwwwwwwwwwww – Dumbledore licks Harry's forehead and tastes it!! Could we be any more obvious? Wasn't the book enough?
24. Did Harry really say "One of my best friends is Muggle born"? probably. Luckily I can't remember, unluckily for me, I'll be forced to check now. How PC of you, Harry.
25. Hahahahah! Dumbledore comes back from the loo with a magazine! Of course he does. Knitting patterns – is no-one seeing the code here? Surely its not just me who's researched gay codes? Knitting circle? Anyone? Beuller?
26. "You are talented famous and powerful". Really? One out of three ain't bad.
27. What? No DD and Harry sitting in a closet scene? Would that have been TOO OBVIOUS??
28. When did The Hotel Inspector/The House Doctor come and do up the Weasley's house?
29. Mrs Weasley. "Harry who?" oh puhleeze. I've lost count, after about one minute of canon we are now back in la la land.
30. Skinny Snape – hurrah! I was so hoping after seeing Rickman in Sweeney Todd. And if he had a bit of help with the airbrush, that's ok too. Narcissa is good.
31. What? Fenrir is with Draco in Diagon Alley – and there's no detail as to what he says in the shop? How stupid is that?
32. What the hell has harry got in his hand on the train?
33. Ok – it's fog. Obviously that's because Harry doesn't have an invisibility cloak. Right.
34. Not a fault with the film, obviously, but why didn't Draco kill Harry on the train? Sod killing DD – and sod "he is mine" crap – a quick sharp wand to the heart…
35. Luna? Omg. With super powers – who can see under THE SUPER INVISIBILTY CLOAK.
36. At this point I'm thinking "the author doesn't care, the director is having too much fun,…"
37. Ron: He's covered with blood. Looks like his own." – Thank you CSI Weasley
38. I thought this was stupid in the book, but in the film it's even more idiotic. After young Riddle tells DD that he can "hurt people" DD says "I'm like you, Tom" and set fire to the wardrobe. Who put that man in charge of children?
39. "Did I know I'd just met the most dangerous dark wizard of all time? No." HOW THICK ARE YOU? Don't answer that.
40. "You said Slughorn would try and collect me." "I did." "Do you want me to let him?" "Yes." ER EXCUSE ME, am I the only one seeing the hideous pervy vibe here? I like slash, but I really don't like this, it's worse here than in the book!
41. Don't like to be picky (Ok that's not true) but the wind is blowing from opposite directions in thequidditch scene
42. I want that opal necklace more than ever. I so adore opals.
43. Hermoine's attack canaries! YES!
44. My love for Luna knows no bounds.
45. Why is Draco allowed to dress like Gucci Hamlet?
46. Very disappointed we didn't get to meet the vampire at Sluggy's party. Cormac being sick over Severus obviously far funnier. Not.
47. What the hell is this? Bella attacks the Weasley house? Oh ok – it has Fenrir in it. I'm not complaining.
48. The Weasley's house? WTF?
49. Yanno I had almost forgotten how vile the Trio are in this.
50. What is this piffle about Ginny and the book and the room of requirement? God this film is bloody boring. The only good bits are the bits that didn't exist in canon. AND WHERE THE HELL IS TRELAWNEY?
51. Vastly disappointed with the appearance of Felix
52. OK – Lily gave slughorn her flower. Am I the only one really revolted by this?
53. Hugely impressed with the entrance to the cave, though. Vastly less pedestrian than just scrambling over rocks. One might wonder how the kids got there, though. Oh silly me, mixing canons. Wait? There's Canon?
54. God DD is a git. I'm so glad he's dead.
55. The whole water thing is so stupid. Said it before, say it again. The Aguamenti spell can cause water to come out of the end of his wand. Why doesn't he do that. Oh yes, because he's STUPID. That's why he tries to kill the zombies. *headdesk *
56. And there it is, the most important Expelliamus in the entire series, and we all missed its significance. Heh. Probably because, like me right now, we were bored rigid. How could they let the DE's taking over the castle be DULL? What happened to the Dark Mark over the castle and Harry being heroic, the passive little git gets little enough opportunity for DOING rather than listening or observing.
57. Could we make the scene between Harry and Severus more anticlimatic?
58. Where's the battle?? Did they run out of money? WHAT THE HELL DID DRACO JUST SPEND THE ENTIRE FILM GETTING THE DEATH EATERS INTO HOGWARTS FOR, only to have them break some plates? It's the Big Fat Hogwarts Battle! Plate breaking!
59. His boyfriend's dead. Oh waily waily.
60. Oh dear. I'm sorry, but the whole "lifting of the wands thing" just made me fall off my chair laughing. It's all so very rock concert. Much cheaper to have 100 little bulbs in wands than to have a funeral, eh?
61. "which means it was all a waste, all of it," says Harry.

You never said a truer word, Mr Potter. A complete waste of 2 hours 24 mins.

No, I didn't like it. Could you tell? OK. I liked Gucci Hamlet and slim!Snape and the some of the bits the director made up. and the necklace. All opals gratefully received.

Comments

[beckyblack]

That's why he tries to kill the zombies.

Please tell me they actually called them "zombies" in the movie. I remember being vastly annoyed at them being called Inferi (sp) in the book and I just kept waiting for someone to say "We're not using the Z word!" Shaun of the Dead style.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

As far as I can tell, the name wasn't mentioned at all - we didn't see the class where they were taught, so they were just Gollum-like things that live under the water. gehayi had the right idea, she always said that any Dark Lord worth his salt would have taken the bodies of James and Lili and set them against Harry at the end of the series, but silly Riddle, he can't do nuffin' right.

[beckyblack]

That would have been cool! And horrible. :D

Glad they didn't call them anything on the movie. We all know zombies when we see them! Calling them something else just seems silly and of course words like "zombie", "vampire", "werewolf" etc are evocotive in a way that some new made-up term isn't.

[annephoenix.livejournal.com]

Awwwwe that's harsh.
Harry is pretty!
Draco is pretty!
Snape is ... Snape.

:p

[erastes.livejournal.com]

The camera really loves Felton, that's very true. He's much much prettier on screen - lots of pretty to look at - true! Harry... nah. you can keep him.

There was a lovely shot of Snape when he flounced off after telling DD he didn't want to carry on, all highlighted against the sky, very fan-art. yum.

[annephoenix.livejournal.com]

And Snape pushing Draco against the wall and Snape shushing Harry under the tower and Harry growning in pain after he's cursed and Draco groaning in pain after the Sectumsempra and ....

C'mon!

[erastes.livejournal.com]

don't forget you aren't dealing with a h/d shipper or a Snarry fan here, although i have been guilty of writing it more than once!!

[annephoenix.livejournal.com]

I am neither of these things *spits* .... but in the film it was hot ;)!!

[lusiology.livejournal.com]

It's the Big Fat Hogwarts Battle! Plate breaking!

Really? How disappointing. Maybe it was thought that canon details would be too upsetting for the youngish target audience.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

i doubt it, they had Draco lying in a pool of his own blood and it was probably a 12? I'm not sure. Probably just logistically hard to do.

[lusiology.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah, the Sectumsempra scene. Doh! Once again the DE's come across as less threatening thatn voldie's Dark Mark call. Remember the Dept of Mysteries battle and the Tarantella(?) spell?

[emmyjag.livejournal.com]

you did much better than I. couldnt get past ZOMG!DRACO!! All growed up and delicious!

[reddwarfer.livejournal.com]

Everything in that movie was out of context. Everything that happened. Everything that was said. Out of context. Snape says he's the half-blood prince and we have that sentence in utterly no context whatsoever.

[gehayi.livejournal.com]

Though there are a number of very young fangirls of the Underworld who insist on calling any werewolf a "lycan," regardless of what it's called in its own canon. The fact that this is pronounced like "lichen" only makes me sporfle.

[rwday.livejournal.com]

I don't actually remember much of anything from reading HBP - it didn't impress me. Doesn't sound like the movie is much better. :(

[gehayi.livejournal.com]

You're fortunate. I think that hbpspork seared the chapters I sporked into my mind for all time.

[lovefromgirl.livejournal.com]

(Wondering: do the Americans KNOW what "tosser" means?)

Not precisely, but this one knows it isn't flattering. :-D

[angrboda]

I hearts your list of longness.

10. Me I was wondering what Harry was doing reading the Daily Prophet with moving pictures and shit in a Muggle cafe. How careless. (It can't be a wizarding cafe because the waitress comments that she thinks she saw a picture move, doesn't she? And she doesn't know who Harry is, although that could just be flirting)

29. I agree. How many Harrys are her children best friends with? And she was expecting him!

33. It's some sort of instant darkness powder that he bought at the twins' shop

44. Agree! I still think she's the best cast character in the whole thing.

45. Because... if your name is Malfoy, you're above uniforms?

48. Why did they do that? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

55. I've always wondered why DD assumes they have to drink it. I think we can safely say he's never been there before, so why don't they just try and see if they can scoop it up and throw it away first? Or catch an inferi or something?

60. I thought this was better than if they had done the funeral. That would have been bound to be extremely sentimental. (But WHY did Hagrid have a wand? Openly? And not disguised as a pink umbrella? Where did he steal it from? Considering that he's not really allowed to own one!)

[beckyblack]

Character A "Look out! It's a lycan!"
Character B: "I'm not scared of a plant!"
CHOMP.

[hybridartifacts.livejournal.com]

34. Not a fault with the film, obviously, but why didn't Draco kill Harry on the train? Sod killing DD – and sod "he is mine" crap – a quick sharp wand to the heart…

The whole point of the book (so far as Draco is concerned)is that Draco is NOT a killer. He doesn't kill Harry for the same reason he doesn't kill Dumbledore. He may be a bully,his father may be a Deatheater, but that doesn't mean he could murder someone. Draco wrestles with this through out the book and the film, and one of the themes JKR uses through the entire series is the juxtaposition of Draco and Harry as a way of exploring our assumptions about character (Snape is another).

[nagasvoice.livejournal.com]

Nope, most dumb Mericains got no idear what "tosser" means.
I rather assume it involves the unpleasant results of too much drinking, or else of living with cats with hairballs.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

That's possibly the funniest thing I've heard all week and I'm crying with laughter.

It certainly makes a new book of "The Trouble with Lichen"

[nagasvoice.livejournal.com]

I should add that I find this critique very funny and I haven't even seen the film! (How's that for being a grumpy critic? Can't be bothered. Too much work. it was only 101 degrees effing F today, I should be pull myself together, what?)

PS--I can haz m/m books and it's all Ur fault. I don't have enough budget for all the great stuff out right now!!
Some bits by Alex Beecroft, Anne Brooke's, this thing called "Transgressions", that I might have a passing fancy for. Jus' sayin'.
*G!*

[erastes.livejournal.com]

as was said above, everything that was said or done was done out of context, you got no explanations for stuff you needed it for and far TOO much explanation for stuff you didn't - we saw Draco's progress with the cabinet throughout the book, for example which was annoying, repetitive, pointless, and non-canonical.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

well, it's a direct substitute for "wanker" - it just struck me as the sort of word that some people might consider to be a suitable toning down of a derogatory term, but it really really isn't. Not that I'm prudish at all, I found it amusing that the word was used and thoroughly agreed with Harry's description of himself literally and figuratively!!