My thoughts on the Half Blood Prince film

[erastes]

1. Oh Dumbledore – you've been DYING to put your arm round Harry like that, haven't you? He's legal now, after all.
2. *blech* Dumbledore puts his arm around Harry, and it's SUPER SUPER SUPER Pedaeristic and creepy in slo-mo and close up on his hand. EWWW! BAD JKR for creating not one but three creepy pederasts in one book.
3. The dark mark is exactly like the Sand Mummy in the The Mummy
4. If wizards could really fly like this, the bad guys would have won years back.
5. Apparently flying wizards need no magic to enter Diagon Alley, which seems rather stupid. If they could have entered like this – there's no way that the Government would have considered it a safe place to put Harry in earlier books.
6. Fenrir is a hot hairy Sean Bean. I KNEW IT
7. Why would it be so bloody terrifying to fall in the Thames? The river police can be there in minutes -–and this is July. It's always July. OK –it's cold, but if salmon can exist, so you can you stupid muggles, suck it up. The book bridge was a high rail one wasn't it? No getting out alive there.
8. No Muggles fell in anyway. Bah.
9. Ok – Death eaters can not only fly but can fly INVISIBLY.
10. .Wizard cafes on underground stations – since when?
11. Yay! Lucius makes the newspaper!
12. Yeah, right. Way out of your league, you tosser. (Wondering: do the Americans KNOW what "tosser" means?)
13. Harry's on drugs for the pain! Hurrah – that will stop him whining about it at least. Oh no, he's testing his breath and takes mints. Oh come on, Harry, do you really think you have a chance with HER? She's got DEATH EATER CRUMPET written all over her. And what are you doing in the underground anyway?
14. And why are you not caring about Sirius. Granted you only bothered for 2 weeks in the books, but one frame wouldn't kill you.
15. Oh DEAR LORD – did no-one notice the advert behind DD's first appearance? I think I love this director. *GUFFAWS * "Magic, your man defines magic." And then BOTH of them go and look at a similar poster which says: "Tonight make a little magic with your man!!!"
16. Awww – the boyfriends reunite – it's so…. Coded!!!
17. *pauses to stop laughing *
18. "Take my arm," says DD (well he would, wouldn't he?) and Harry at least has the decency to look around at what he hoped would be his hook up. Coded.
19. Seven minutes and 24 seconds into the film and not one second of canon. I'm not complaining mind you.
20. Apparently according to DD most people vomit the first time. Well, if they were doing it with him, I'm not surprised.
21. "I assume you are wondering why I've brought you here, am I right?" AND YOU WERE WRONG OF COURSE, you hideous pompous ass.
22. "Wands on?" What the hell?
23. Ewwwwwwwwwwww – Dumbledore licks Harry's forehead and tastes it!! Could we be any more obvious? Wasn't the book enough?
24. Did Harry really say "One of my best friends is Muggle born"? probably. Luckily I can't remember, unluckily for me, I'll be forced to check now. How PC of you, Harry.
25. Hahahahah! Dumbledore comes back from the loo with a magazine! Of course he does. Knitting patterns – is no-one seeing the code here? Surely its not just me who's researched gay codes? Knitting circle? Anyone? Beuller?
26. "You are talented famous and powerful". Really? One out of three ain't bad.
27. What? No DD and Harry sitting in a closet scene? Would that have been TOO OBVIOUS??
28. When did The Hotel Inspector/The House Doctor come and do up the Weasley's house?
29. Mrs Weasley. "Harry who?" oh puhleeze. I've lost count, after about one minute of canon we are now back in la la land.
30. Skinny Snape – hurrah! I was so hoping after seeing Rickman in Sweeney Todd. And if he had a bit of help with the airbrush, that's ok too. Narcissa is good.
31. What? Fenrir is with Draco in Diagon Alley – and there's no detail as to what he says in the shop? How stupid is that?
32. What the hell has harry got in his hand on the train?
33. Ok – it's fog. Obviously that's because Harry doesn't have an invisibility cloak. Right.
34. Not a fault with the film, obviously, but why didn't Draco kill Harry on the train? Sod killing DD – and sod "he is mine" crap – a quick sharp wand to the heart…
35. Luna? Omg. With super powers – who can see under THE SUPER INVISIBILTY CLOAK.
36. At this point I'm thinking "the author doesn't care, the director is having too much fun,…"
37. Ron: He's covered with blood. Looks like his own." – Thank you CSI Weasley
38. I thought this was stupid in the book, but in the film it's even more idiotic. After young Riddle tells DD that he can "hurt people" DD says "I'm like you, Tom" and set fire to the wardrobe. Who put that man in charge of children?
39. "Did I know I'd just met the most dangerous dark wizard of all time? No." HOW THICK ARE YOU? Don't answer that.
40. "You said Slughorn would try and collect me." "I did." "Do you want me to let him?" "Yes." ER EXCUSE ME, am I the only one seeing the hideous pervy vibe here? I like slash, but I really don't like this, it's worse here than in the book!
41. Don't like to be picky (Ok that's not true) but the wind is blowing from opposite directions in thequidditch scene
42. I want that opal necklace more than ever. I so adore opals.
43. Hermoine's attack canaries! YES!
44. My love for Luna knows no bounds.
45. Why is Draco allowed to dress like Gucci Hamlet?
46. Very disappointed we didn't get to meet the vampire at Sluggy's party. Cormac being sick over Severus obviously far funnier. Not.
47. What the hell is this? Bella attacks the Weasley house? Oh ok – it has Fenrir in it. I'm not complaining.
48. The Weasley's house? WTF?
49. Yanno I had almost forgotten how vile the Trio are in this.
50. What is this piffle about Ginny and the book and the room of requirement? God this film is bloody boring. The only good bits are the bits that didn't exist in canon. AND WHERE THE HELL IS TRELAWNEY?
51. Vastly disappointed with the appearance of Felix
52. OK – Lily gave slughorn her flower. Am I the only one really revolted by this?
53. Hugely impressed with the entrance to the cave, though. Vastly less pedestrian than just scrambling over rocks. One might wonder how the kids got there, though. Oh silly me, mixing canons. Wait? There's Canon?
54. God DD is a git. I'm so glad he's dead.
55. The whole water thing is so stupid. Said it before, say it again. The Aguamenti spell can cause water to come out of the end of his wand. Why doesn't he do that. Oh yes, because he's STUPID. That's why he tries to kill the zombies. *headdesk *
56. And there it is, the most important Expelliamus in the entire series, and we all missed its significance. Heh. Probably because, like me right now, we were bored rigid. How could they let the DE's taking over the castle be DULL? What happened to the Dark Mark over the castle and Harry being heroic, the passive little git gets little enough opportunity for DOING rather than listening or observing.
57. Could we make the scene between Harry and Severus more anticlimatic?
58. Where's the battle?? Did they run out of money? WHAT THE HELL DID DRACO JUST SPEND THE ENTIRE FILM GETTING THE DEATH EATERS INTO HOGWARTS FOR, only to have them break some plates? It's the Big Fat Hogwarts Battle! Plate breaking!
59. His boyfriend's dead. Oh waily waily.
60. Oh dear. I'm sorry, but the whole "lifting of the wands thing" just made me fall off my chair laughing. It's all so very rock concert. Much cheaper to have 100 little bulbs in wands than to have a funeral, eh?
61. "which means it was all a waste, all of it," says Harry.

You never said a truer word, Mr Potter. A complete waste of 2 hours 24 mins.

No, I didn't like it. Could you tell? OK. I liked Gucci Hamlet and slim!Snape and the some of the bits the director made up. and the necklace. All opals gratefully received.

Comments

[beckyblack]

That's why he tries to kill the zombies.

Please tell me they actually called them "zombies" in the movie. I remember being vastly annoyed at them being called Inferi (sp) in the book and I just kept waiting for someone to say "We're not using the Z word!" Shaun of the Dead style.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

As far as I can tell, the name wasn't mentioned at all - we didn't see the class where they were taught, so they were just Gollum-like things that live under the water. gehayi had the right idea, she always said that any Dark Lord worth his salt would have taken the bodies of James and Lili and set them against Harry at the end of the series, but silly Riddle, he can't do nuffin' right.

[annephoenix.livejournal.com]

Awwwwe that's harsh.
Harry is pretty!
Draco is pretty!
Snape is ... Snape.

:p

[erastes.livejournal.com]

The camera really loves Felton, that's very true. He's much much prettier on screen - lots of pretty to look at - true! Harry... nah. you can keep him.

There was a lovely shot of Snape when he flounced off after telling DD he didn't want to carry on, all highlighted against the sky, very fan-art. yum.

[lusiology.livejournal.com]

It's the Big Fat Hogwarts Battle! Plate breaking!

Really? How disappointing. Maybe it was thought that canon details would be too upsetting for the youngish target audience.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

i doubt it, they had Draco lying in a pool of his own blood and it was probably a 12? I'm not sure. Probably just logistically hard to do.

[emmyjag.livejournal.com]

you did much better than I. couldnt get past ZOMG!DRACO!! All growed up and delicious!

[erastes.livejournal.com]

*snort* Yes - the camera really does love him doesn't it? I saw a couple of interviews of him in full make up and clothes and he's quite ugly, but wearing his Draco face, he's quite stunning. But then I thought that even when he was jailbait.

[reddwarfer.livejournal.com]

Everything in that movie was out of context. Everything that happened. Everything that was said. Out of context. Snape says he's the half-blood prince and we have that sentence in utterly no context whatsoever.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Oh yes,GOD that stunned me. That scene should have been pivotal and heart stopping. Rickman's talents should have been used to the full but it was all a damp squib. I'm the half blood prince. er. EXPLAIN PLZ! They could have said something in the final balcony scene, they could have missed out all the annoying and pointless cabinet stuff - but I for one got the feeling that no-one really cared.

"Hey, we're minted, why does it have to make any SENSE? the book doesn't!"

[rwday.livejournal.com]

I don't actually remember much of anything from reading HBP - it didn't impress me. Doesn't sound like the movie is much better. :(

[gehayi.livejournal.com]

You're fortunate. I think that hbpspork seared the chapters I sporked into my mind for all time.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

It's really really not. I'd wiped a lot of the book from my head, and annoyingly the film brought all the idiocy back in technicolour detail, especially my utter utter loathing of Dumbledore and everything he does and says. Avoid.

[lovefromgirl.livejournal.com]

(Wondering: do the Americans KNOW what "tosser" means?)

Not precisely, but this one knows it isn't flattering. :-D

[erastes.livejournal.com]

well, it's a direct substitute for "wanker" - it just struck me as the sort of word that some people might consider to be a suitable toning down of a derogatory term, but it really really isn't. Not that I'm prudish at all, I found it amusing that the word was used and thoroughly agreed with Harry's description of himself literally and figuratively!!

[angrboda]

I hearts your list of longness.

10. Me I was wondering what Harry was doing reading the Daily Prophet with moving pictures and shit in a Muggle cafe. How careless. (It can't be a wizarding cafe because the waitress comments that she thinks she saw a picture move, doesn't she? And she doesn't know who Harry is, although that could just be flirting)

29. I agree. How many Harrys are her children best friends with? And she was expecting him!

33. It's some sort of instant darkness powder that he bought at the twins' shop

44. Agree! I still think she's the best cast character in the whole thing.

45. Because... if your name is Malfoy, you're above uniforms?

48. Why did they do that? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

55. I've always wondered why DD assumes they have to drink it. I think we can safely say he's never been there before, so why don't they just try and see if they can scoop it up and throw it away first? Or catch an inferi or something?

60. I thought this was better than if they had done the funeral. That would have been bound to be extremely sentimental. (But WHY did Hagrid have a wand? Openly? And not disguised as a pink umbrella? Where did he steal it from? Considering that he's not really allowed to own one!)

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Oh - it was a Muggle cafe was it? I missed that, I just assumed because he was being all obvious about it - that explains a lot, but then... doesn't! why am i not surprised?

There are not enough "why's" about the whole cave thing - the entire thing was a bloody nonsense (bookwise i mean, as the film version is at least faithful to most of it) from start to finish--as you say, DD hadn't been there before (why?) and yet said he'd need someone with him. Grabbing an inferi would have been entirely sensible, or bringing a house elf, summonsing Kreacher, who would have had to do what he was told but no, she obvoiusly had this Big Set Scene in her head and nothing was going to pull her aside from it, even though it was utterly utterly stupid.

Oh - and for reasons why DD said the things he did under the potion (in the book) you should check out gehayi's theories regarding the death of DDs sister...

Bloody hell. I left fandom mainly because of this bloody book and it's got me all hot under the collar again.

I'm glad the list made you smile, hun.

xxx

[hybridartifacts.livejournal.com]

34. Not a fault with the film, obviously, but why didn't Draco kill Harry on the train? Sod killing DD – and sod "he is mine" crap – a quick sharp wand to the heart…

The whole point of the book (so far as Draco is concerned)is that Draco is NOT a killer. He doesn't kill Harry for the same reason he doesn't kill Dumbledore. He may be a bully,his father may be a Deatheater, but that doesn't mean he could murder someone. Draco wrestles with this through out the book and the film, and one of the themes JKR uses through the entire series is the juxtaposition of Draco and Harry as a way of exploring our assumptions about character (Snape is another).

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Now, you see I never got that message, not at all - he would be guilty of attempted murder in two cases under English law at the very LEAST in the book, and probably more than once. He's cowardly, and can't do it face to face, that's true, but if Harry had drowned in his own noseblood Draco wouldn't have been at all sad, and nearly killing innocent people (Slughorn, Ron, Katie) by accident in his quest for his goal doesn't not make him a killer. If that's what JKR meant to do, then for me she failed badly - I very much thought that Draco would be off to Azkaban for life at the end of the series

[nagasvoice.livejournal.com]

Nope, most dumb Mericains got no idear what "tosser" means.
I rather assume it involves the unpleasant results of too much drinking, or else of living with cats with hairballs.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

*snort*

[nagasvoice.livejournal.com]

I should add that I find this critique very funny and I haven't even seen the film! (How's that for being a grumpy critic? Can't be bothered. Too much work. it was only 101 degrees effing F today, I should be pull myself together, what?)

PS--I can haz m/m books and it's all Ur fault. I don't have enough budget for all the great stuff out right now!!
Some bits by Alex Beecroft, Anne Brooke's, this thing called "Transgressions", that I might have a passing fancy for. Jus' sayin'.
*G!*

[erastes.livejournal.com]

It was sweet of you to read it, in that case. I wouldn't advise you to waste your money on it, I was actually looking forward to it because the trailers made it look better than the book, and although they tried their best, and the best bits are not canon, you can't beat the source material which is crap in more ways than I have time to outline.

You have some excellent reading to look forward to, both Alex and Anne's books are superb. I don't know anything about that other book you mention. :)

[ejab62.livejournal.com]

The fact that I never even bothered to say anything about the film is a dead give away about my opinion of it. Crap.
The only two things I liked were Lucius/Isaacs (even if it was for just a second or two) and a somewhat slimmed down Snape/Rickman.
That's about it, really.
Think it was the worst one so far.
Ugh.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

It would have been pretty much incomprehensible to anyone who hadn't read the books, I think. Hell it was pretty incomprehensible to me!

The MONEY they threw at it in some parts - the Weasley's shop ofr example, every single product in there (40,000 products on shelves) had been specially made, bottles, boxes, labels, for a scene that lasted about a minute - and then they cut out the battle which was pretty much what people would have liked to have seen.

[mysid.livejournal.com]

Do the Americans KNOW what "tosser" means?

This American does, but I'm guessing that most don't. But then most Americans don't realize that "jerk" means the same thing, but they use the word frequently. C'mon people; know the meanings behind the vulgarities you use. It's more fun that way.

I haven't seen the movie yet. I think I've been dragging my heels for fear that the movie would be even more annoying than the book. You just confirmed my fears.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

It is, it really really is - for a whole set of new reasons!

Hello medear!

:)

[essayel.livejournal.com]

This is all so sad, so true and so funny! Yes, to all the above - scriptwriters and directors missed almost every point there was. Not that I paid to see the film. I had a feeling that it might stink and not be worth driving 20 miles for so I put my pirate hat on and watched a Swan Vesta sized version on watch-movies-links. I don't think the small scale made it any worse.

Snarry makes my blood run cold, but they has done a very clever job of slimming down Snape.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

no, I don't see the Snarry, never have never will, I see Harrydore much more blatently, and it's pretty much canon, so why isn't it the biggest ship?

:)

[dcjuris.livejournal.com]

You know, I only watched each HP movie once because hubby loves them (hubby has odd taste), and I wouldn't watch them again. EVER. However, I *would* sit and listen to you rant about them for hours. ROFLMFAO CSI Weasley! What a wonderful start to the work day! :-)

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Thank you! :D I for one would pay good money to watch a Potter spin off - CSI Hogwarts.

:)

I will watch the ones with Lucius in, but he makes me do that.

[alex-beecroft.livejournal.com]

I think the one thing I liked about it was the Snape/Draco. Not something I'd seen before, but this time I didn't even need my slash goggles. Otherwise, it was largely boring but still a million times better than Transformers.