And now… le Muffled drum moronics

[erastes]

Goertz moved quietly across the quiet street, unseen by the coachman, who had gone to press the bell. He pulled open the off-side door and stepped into the carriage. “Not a sound, Herr Eichel,” he said. “Call your coachman back, quiet now.”

We GET it. It's quiet. TOO QUIET

Pushing himself up onto his elbows,  Rudolph’s eyes raked over the man beneath him, savoring and learning what he once must have known every bit as well as his own body

Don't you hate it when eyes grow elbow? (this, apparently, is "dangling modifier, how to do it.")

Comments

[cass1969.livejournal.com]

"We GET it. It's quiet. TOO QUIET"

Sshhh! Keep it down!

[erastes.livejournal.com]

*laughs*

[lee-rowan.livejournal.com]

I get the feeling a loud burp would've been inappropriate...

It's not the elbows that get me, it's the eyes brandishing a garden implement. You do have some interesting figures of speech.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Well, the incorrect thing here is the Eyes that push themselves up on the elbows. I'm surprised you haven't heard of rake as in looking though--it means "to command a view of."

[m-barnette.livejournal.com]

I can't get that image out of my head. Eyes with elbows. Wouldn't that make it hard to see? Just saying... *grinz*

[lee-rowan.livejournal.com]

Oh, I recognized it - but once the eyes had elbows, it seemed only reasonable that they'd be doing other unusual things.

[essayel.livejournal.com]

I have problems with dangly things too, in more than one way unfortunately.

[m-barnette.livejournal.com]

*falls out of chair laughing*

I think we both need beta readers that can spot stuff like that, seriously, I think all writers do stuff like that. My favorite one was a pair of jeans wearing tattoos from a friend's story years back. I pointed it out to him and he was mortified he'd missed it in self edits.

Hell, come to it, I just need a beta reader. Mine vanished into the nothing two years ago.