A while ago I had a friend.

[erastes]

 An online friend, that is. I was - for a while - very close to him. We used to chat daily via IM. I'd send him my book, chapter by chapter and he'd critique it.  We talked about gay male sex (he was - he told the world) a submissive gay male in a three way "marriage" with Hal and satinvalkyrie.  He helped me in writing my gay sex, helped me "get it right" and we chatted about sealing wax.

Then a couple of years ago, I started to get a little suspicious - he never let anyone see his photo. Not so unusual, - neither do I, but I have reasons e.g. I don't HAVE any recent ones and I don't think putting 10 year old ones online is at all honest.  Petulant God or Seph (spifftastic) as he called himself, would post pictures of his blue-black hair (he was part English, part Amerindian, he said) or his chest or his dick. (he once started a community for his dick, too(sephs_cock), which was about the same time I started to shy away) but nothing else. His boyfriend Hal (teh_hal) also had an LJ.

We talked about writing, he was writing a book and I helped him with it.  But my suspicions that he wasn't what he seemed grew. I began to suspect that he was a woman (I thought he might Seph's "wife" in the 3 way marriage. The crunch for me came when he said he met a boy from Hawaii, Tomas, and Tomas started an LJ and wrote in it - IN PIDGIN ENGLISH.  That was it, for me.

Now "he" has admitted what I have suspected for a couple of years now, that it was all a lie, that he is a woman and that he's been making it all up. As a work of fiction, it was pretty impressive. She created a huge amount of material - what Seph wore, what he drove, where he worked, who his family was, who his boyfriends were, what he did on a day-to-day basis, what parties he went to and what he got up to.  He invented visits to England, an accent, a backstory which was bitter-sweet, and much much more.

The Outing Herself Post is very typical of Seph's style. Unbelievable and self-abrading and "fuck you" in style. It's yet another attention grabbing post and for all anyone knows, it could be true, it could be not. Who gives a fuck, frankly.

Well, apart from all the people "Joseph" got close to.  This has happened to me twice before so I know what people might be feeling now. I won't say "I don't understand why people do this" because in a way - I do. Pretend to be a man on LJ - particularly as a writer (and a damned good one - here's his fandom work that was posted on hp_literotica.)   and you will attract fangirls (because male writers are rare)  It IS frustrating to pour your heart into a fanfic and get perhaps five comments - and see someone like copperbadge get 100 comments on a post about blowing his nose.

I find it dispicable, and blaming it publicly and all on psychoses is sick. If you are sick, girl, get help. Don't drag hundreds of people into your invention.  Go join "Second Life" because there you can be anyone, any sex, any age.  And no-one expects the impossibly bosomed blonde woman in Second Life to be an impossibly bosomed blonde woman in real life. He's likely to be a truck driver from Minsk. The entire BREADTH of this deception staggers me, that's what i can't grasp. The invention in this woman's mind is completely wasted - she shouldn't have any problems selling fiction.

This is no different, in my eyes, to the decpeption perpertrated by Riverbend, or the author of "true memoire"  "Love and Consequences" or  "Misha: A Memoire of the Holocaust Years"  Granted - Seph wasn't making any money from the lies, but to my eyes, it was just as bad (if not worse) because he was living a full and active life on LJ - making friends, commenting all over the place, getting confidences from people (yes, including me) under false pretences.

Luckily I learned my lesson from another person online, who turned out to be a fraud, and I left Seph a while ago, but my thoughts go out to people who are feeling very real hurt right now.

Comments

[schmoo999.livejournal.com]

I have so much I could say...but so not surprised. You know the huge wank I ended up because I was not "loyal" enough and was not willing to keep my mouth shut about "his" shit he would put people through.

But I have to say that as a result I have met you and some really wonderful kickass people that have been long time members of my flist and that is something good that came from my so called friendship with "Seph".

[erastes.livejournal.com]

That's very true. I met you and rosie red and many others through comments on his blog. I need to see the silver lining

*huggles*

[nagasvoice.livejournal.com]

It's a shame, wasting all that inventiveness on deceiving people.
If they wrote commercial fiction, they could get paid *and* get attention for it.
There, nobody cares much if you're under a male pseud as a woman.
It's not about whether they can be convincingly transgender in real life, since they never show themselves. One does wonder how much of it is actually letting the inner animus out to play freely.
But that doesn't explain the months of extended pursuit of people's trust, and then the big comic book "AHAHAH!" reveal.
And what provoked the reveal posting, anyway?
Isn't that similar to that earlier person, where they finally got pinned enough to have to admit it?
Is this perhaps the same person all over again??

[erastes.livejournal.com]

It does worry me that it might be the same person all over again. I can't remember the name of the person who duped me before, but they were already a member of hp_literotica - invented a male persona, got attention as such and then I invented them to be a member as that persona. Funny how one forgets the details!

It's the "making friends" thing that pisses me off. If you are Agatha Christie writing as her male writer persona, you aren't making friends in such an intimate way. It's just WRONG.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Hello! It's nice to meet you. I love it when people delurk.

I chose a sexually ambiguous penname because I was told that "men wouldnt read gay romance/erotica by a woman" and I didn't know any different back then. I'm happy to find out that in general, that's wrong, and so I try and make it clear to people that I'm not a man.

This writer was mainly in Potter fandom but after gaining several hundred fangirls (and some boys) didn't bother with the writing, but lived through "his" LJ. I can't imagine the time and effort it must have taken. I've done RPG-ing from time to time and that was exhausting enough.

[tharain.livejournal.com]

*I* however, really am an almost fifty year old faggot in the bay area.

Not only that, I am an almost fifty year old faggot in the bay area WITH A DOG!!!!

=-D

I'll post pics soon.

And I recently ran into someone online who told me that a person I'd chatted with for several years, who sent me pics, with whom I spoke on the phone, was indeed a sock puppet, and wasn't real at all. I was pretty upset; I'd really liked Danny. I'm not sure I can say the same for Glenn.

I mean...how do I know Glenn's real?

[erastes.livejournal.com]

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You got the Schnauzer??????

[muroku.livejournal.com]

This is sick!

I think it is unethical to masquerade under a certain profile in a non RPG setting. This matter would be just as damaging if let's say an individual poses as an ethnicity/race which he or she does not belong to. Her solution to blame it on a mental condition may very well be another act. Lastly, to insult victims of this deceit by stating, "I might feel sorrier about this, but fandom is a fucked up group so excited at cock that they make idiots of themselves" is disgusting.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

That was the worst sentence, wasn't it? It really blew away the whole "i can haz psychoses, pity me" thing she was going for. She played with people's minds and laughed at them while she did it.

[jamie2109.livejournal.com]

I can think of a couple of people who will be completely shattered by this revelation. I only very briefly had anything to do with 'Seph' as he found me a song I was looking for and momentarily I was drawn into the circle, but he never struck me as real. And I remember being yelled at by friends for even suggesting he wasn't real. I really feel for those that have been taken in by all this and are hurt by it.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

I agree with you - "he" made a real profession out of befriending people and drawing them in to his universe. I feel really fucking angry about it, even though it's about 2 years since I left his company.

[markprobst.livejournal.com]

Yikes. There is so much lying and pretending going on in the anonymity of the internet, you often can’t ever really be certain who’s “for real.” What is scary is that there are some truly mentally ill people out there who could be very dangerous. Most of them are harmless and just acting out to get attention that they don’t get in real life.

As for the male alter ego pseudonyms so many women use to write gay fiction, I think that is very sad, but I understand why they feel it is necessary. I’ve read the comments by gay men who say they boycott any m/m fiction written by women. I say who needs those kinds of readers – be yourself.

Personally, I’ve always represented myself truthfully. I have recent pictures on my profiles and I write under my birth name – call me crazy!

[batboy126.livejournal.com]

"As for the male alter ego pseudonyms so many women use to write gay fiction, I think that is very sad, but I understand why they feel it is necessary. I’ve read the comments by gay men who say they boycott any m/m fiction written by women. I say who needs those kinds of readers – be yourself."
While I wouldn't actually boycott fiction involving gay male characters which was written by a woman, I must admit I'd think twice about reading it. I'm also mystified by the sheer quantity of it. Why don't straight women write about M/F relationships? What ever happened to 'write what you know'?

[rwday.livejournal.com]

I just don't get it. I am who I am. I can make up fictional characters, sure, and imagine myself in their shoes, but to take that and spew it all over the Internet, pretending it's real, manipulating people into caring about someone who doesn't exist? That's sick. If 'hordes of people threw themselves at him,' and made idiots of themselves over the cock, it's because 'Seph' deliberately provoked that kind of reaction, IMO.

I'm not even sure I buy the psychosis. If she really did perceive her life as a nightmare Seph had and went around on a daily basis believing she was a man, you'd think family and co-workers, neighbors and such would notice that. Walking into the men's room on a regular basis, for example, would draw a bit of attention, especially when she stood at the urinal and took out her non-existent cock.

Disgusting.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Absolutely. There are therapists, there are hormones, there are operations. If she really wants to be a man, then there are ways to do that without this... enormous fantasy land.

[arionrhod.livejournal.com]

Geeze, that explains SO much about the fuckupedness that went down about the time I decided I couldn't hack that whole group of people any more. *rolls eyes* And as much as "that group" demonized ME, at least I can say I have NEVER lied about who I am. Sheesh.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

It was his "fans", partially who made me leave too, it all got a bit too "Sleb" for me. It does explain a lot

[charlotteschaos.livejournal.com]

I asked her to turn the comments off, because I knew that some lackwit without any notion of psychology or what psychosis is would say something that would be irksome and ignorant.

[lee-rowan.livejournal.com]

Um... this is Erastes LJ, yes?

[dementedsiren.livejournal.com]

I find this... not particularly surprising, but I didn't know him/her that well (we ran in similar fandom circles, and I did appreciate their fic) so I don't think I can say much more than that.

That said, I just want you to know that OMG I SO TOTALLY KNEW YOU WERE grrm THE WHOLE TIME AND THE FACT THAT HE/YOU SEKRITELY WRITE GAY PORN IS NO SURPRISE AT ALL.

Now when do we get the Jon/Theon smut, because there must be Jon/Theon smut. Or Jaime/Anyone. I'd take that, too.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

After I've watched this latest football game. I promise.

[batboy126.livejournal.com]

That's a bizarre story, but it just illustrates the fact that exclusively internet 'friendships' are not really friendships at all. The whole online experience contains a large element of illusion.

I never post photos or personal information. Well, I did send them to one longtime friend, but I was able to confirm her identity through other means. Otherwise, a certain distance is appropriate, I think. The fact that a LJ member can post pictures of his dick, and have that considered just a sort of friendly hello, points out what a potentially weird place this can be. Online discussion is fine, but I feel strongly that friendships exist only live and in person.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

I agree with you, there are so many strange people who take advantage of the wierdness that is the internet and you can easily see how children are sucked in, when vulnerable adults are duped so readily.

[thatmadgirl.livejournal.com]

I feel like I should be more surprised by this, but I'm not. It sounds kind of strange, but I always felt that no one could be THAT interesting - at least, not interesting in all the right ways to incite fen frenzy, you know?

I am a little surprised that this is the first I've heard of it, however. If he/she posted that entry yesterday, I would have thought that there would be crazy wank over it by now. Probably would have been if they'd done this... oh, two years ago.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Yes - it was a very intersting life wasn't it? I should have been suspicious about that very point, and I'm ashamed that I wasn't. I guess I'm just feeling stupid about being so completely duped (if only until I wasn't) - it's like a form of rape, IM-ing daily with someone who was not what they said they were.

[lee-rowan.livejournal.com]

My 2cents.. I write under a gender-neutral pseudonym because my real name is a gender-neutral name, and I like that--I write as a human being, about human beings, and I'd rather a reader look at my story. If a gay guy won't read my book after he finds out I have an innie rather than an outie, that's his problem, not mine.

Funny, isn't it, that nobody thinks twice about reading "Anna Karenina" even though its author had no ovaries? But there have been male romance writers who wrote under female pseudonyms, due to the same sort of reader prejudice. It's about as idiotic as anything I can imagine. Fiction is one of the neutral zones where writers and readers can, through imagination, shift out of the reality they were born in and try on someone else's point of view. Imagination is one of the most powerful things we have as human beings, a doorway to empathy. A writer who could only empathize with one gender would write some pretty lame stories. (Come to think of it, many do.)

Using a pseudonym for fiction, especially genre fiction, isn't a big deal or a new idea. Look at Sam Clemens, aka Mark Twain. A lot of folks who write 'sensuous romance,' or any of the variants on that genre, use pseudonyms for any number of reasons, including bigoted relatives, conservative work environments, or other closet situations--and every so often the sense of doing that is demonstrated when a writer gets outed. A year or two back some woman in Texas who was running for political office was lambasted for writing porn, which was silly (as apparently it was a het romance and not even all that naughty) but amusing (she was a Republican...!) Pseuds can be marketing tool--some writers have different names different genres. You wouldn't expect to find "Desiree Wolf" writing inspirationals, or "Mary Christian" writing erotic shape-changer fic.

But when somebody creates an entire fictitious persona for the sole purpose of duping people into befriending the persona--particularly when the payoff is to belittle people who were willing to take the puppet identity as that of a real human being... That's another matter. I can only figure the perp (Yeah, I consider it fraud, therefore perpetrated) is a bit if a sociopath. That is what a sociopath does, after all--attempt to manipulate the world for his/her own benefit, at the expense of other people--because they don't respect or recognize that others are as real and valid as they are themselves. The whole, "I fooled you, I'm so clever, you're so stupid..." That's a pretty pathetic philosophy, isn't it? Real people do take risks to have authentic relationships. Real people get hurt. Real people move on and try again. Fake people who hide behind plastic masks... well, it's like that old saw, "Jesus loves you but everyone else thinks you're a jerk." Maybe the false faces are sufficient company--the folks who wear them haven't got any genuine friends and may not be capable of friendship. Professional con artists practice fraud for money. Fannish con artists deal in the coin of the realm--attention and approval are what they're scamming for. (And then there are the real head-cases, who are fishing for both. Brrr.)

It's too bad when honest people get taken in by liars--but what's the alternative--interact with everyone as though they're already guilty of misrepresentation? I think most folks know there's always a chance that people one meets on the internet could be frauds, but it's statistically impossible that all of us are. I'm never 100% certain that someone is for real until I've met the person, or someone I know has seen her ftf--though that's no guarantee, either. One of the biggest fakes I ever met was someone I met in person, and I have some online friends that I'm 99.9% certain are exactly who they say they are. But if I turn out to be mistaken, I'm not the liar...

[erastes.livejournal.com]

I have to agree with you, woman as novelists is still a new thing, after all, even romance novelists, and it seems that things haven't changed much since the days of Currer Bell and George Sand. That's a very depressing thought.

I found this site which amazed me, and that's just mystery writers. I'd like to see a list of romance ones too.

http://www.hycyber.com/MYST/writer_pseudo.html

As to your last point, yes. I guess you have to approach everyone with the view that they are honest and up-front and shrug off the liars. I have, but I needed to post this, for anyone who may have missed Sephs post - there were people a LOT more invested in "him" than I was.

[sionnain.livejournal.com]

I am SO not surprised.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

I have to say "me too", but although it's nice to be proven right, it's also very depressing.

[rbm00.livejournal.com]

Everything about this is so disgusting.

Using lies to make friends. Then belittling them afterwards with a fuck-you attitude like she wasn't doing anything wrong and damn anyone who wants to judge her.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

I can't disagree with you, it's that attitude that revolts me most. at least when cravache did it (on a MUCH smaller scale) she was utterly contrite.

[moondancerdrake.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear this, hun. I can't say i haven't faced such deciete myself, and recently, and hell yeah it hurts. It's hard to put yourself out there, to be a friend to someone so far away, and then to be kicked in the teeth for it. That blows.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Luckily I distanced myself from "him" a couple of years ago, but it leaves a nasty taste in the mouth that I was SO close for quite a long time. He was even Co-Mod on a couple of comms that I had.

Thing is, I only friended him because I liked his writing - a LOT. It wouldn't have mattered a bit - never has to me - what bloody gender he was.

Grrrr.

[asphodeline.livejournal.com]

Everyone said it all in comments above so nothing new to add. There are a few friends of mine on LJ I would be devastated to learn had been someone else totally.

It's a concept I'm getting used to but it's always a bit shocking and simply "wow" as Schmoo puts it.

I could fancy that truck driver though :)

I think I'm real but sometimes it would be great to find out this is all someone else's reality!

[erastes.livejournal.com]

*hands vodka*

Fancy a trip to Minsk, darlin'?

[annephoenix.livejournal.com]

*facepalm*

For real.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

I know. I love the icon.

[fickle-goddess.livejournal.com]

I find it dispicable

That's 'despicable', for the record. Sorry, just had to comment to correct that, it's a well-written post apart from that.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Whoops! Now, this is why I love editors. I can't spell non-phonetical words. I blame the stupid ITA system I was taught with. Thanks!

[dea-liberty.livejournal.com]

I'm not entirely surprised that he turned out not to be a man at all. I think this was up for discussion a long while back, way back when.

I remember many cases of this kind of thing in the Potter fandom that resulted in a lot of hurt feelings all around. I've never been able to figure out the logic behind creating such an intricate life with so many stories etc. and deceiving people like this. Eventually, everyone will get hurt - there's no other way this kind of story could end.

I'm glad you're no longer emotionally invested in this and can look at this post without the hurt and burn that undoubtedly happens for people.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Absolutely, it was certainly discussed a lot behind the scenes and one of the main reasons I backed out. It's the scale of it that beggars belief.

Thanks hun, it doesn't hurt me at all, but I was angry

[alex-beecroft.livejournal.com]

This is bizarre! This is the second time this has happened to someone on my FL. The last one claimed to be part of a married threesome as well. I got the fall out of that by proxy because one of my good friends was very friendly with them. I'm glad that you were backing off and having your doubts before this happened, because it's such a devastating violation of trust otherwise.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

When I look back at some of the conversations I had with "him" I feel ILL. It's mind rape, basically. Apart from the fact I'm not a child, it's the same invasion as a 50 year old man pretending to be a 16 year old girl or boy and grooming children for abuse. However she seems to think she's done nothing wrong, and so does her friend, so that's OK, it seems.

Gah.

OT

[celluloid-redux.livejournal.com]

This doesn't have anything to do with your most recent post. I decided to check out your Journal because I was very impressed with your sporks over at deadlyhollow (which I discovered after you all had finished. Of course. Story of my life.) :) I know it's uncouth to self-promote, but I decided to comment when I saw you'd just seen Hidalgo, which we happen to be doing this week! I honestly thought you might enjoy reading our Journal, even though we abuse ellipses. And, rest assured, we are exactly who we say we are. :) --S

Re: OT

[erastes.livejournal.com]

I meant to reply to your nice comment over there, I do apologise but this all blew up at the same time! I'm very happy that you enjoyed the sporking, it was cathartic, really - as I wanted to leave fandom behind a couple of years ago, but until the last book was out and I found it horrid and said WHY the series was ruined for me, I didn't feel like I had closure.

I did like Hidalgo alot, and yes - I'll be happy to check your LJ out - thank you for commenting. I love it when people do, as you can tell - and I still have a ton of people on my friends-of list who I've never heard of.

[reddwarfer.livejournal.com]

I knew...(if you can know anything-someone told me) that Seph was a girl. I stopped talking to her/him a few years ago because of the bullshit he/she was pulling. I'm not surprised, though I doubt psychosis is to blame. I have a family member suffering from psychosis and they are not COHERENT enough to pull something like this off.

Yeah, psychosis means they've lost contact with reality, but it also means that they do not have the wherewithal to create elaborate identities and plot that shit out and stuff. Because the break makes them...act erratically and chaotically. I've seen that first hand. I've seen someone in a psychotic break throw their shoes on the side of the road and go hiking down a highway. This same person tried to jump off a silo to make the voices stop. Not exactly the same thing.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Nod. I've seen psychosis up close and personal and it's not focussed enough for this - day after day after year after character after character. Gehayi found a Munchausen by Internet definition which seems to completely fit this case.

[katjak.livejournal.com]

Hmm. I don't know anything about this person, but this reminds me eerily about something Colleen Doran linked in her journal some time ago. I tried to find the link but couldn't. The story was about some woman who had actually become real life friends with several people based on an invented online personality and life. It was rather scary. This woman actually visited her online friends and just... leeched on their lives and sympathy for years and years.

Funny thing. But for the longest time, I thought you were a guy.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

It does seem that this phenomenom isn't too unusual - gehayi found a definition for it, Munchausen by Internet and that seems to sum it up perfectly.

I apologise if you thought I was a guy, I do have the ambiguious name and I don't preface every post with I AM A FEMALE - but then, you have an ambigious (to me) name, so does reddwarfer and dea liberty and alex beecroft and most of the people on this post. Gender isn't something that I consider when I friend people, or when I reply to comments in an open post. Unless someone says "I am a straight woman" or whatever they are, wondering about their gender doesn't even cross my mind.

But when someone insists they are a man.. that's another matter. I don't have a screen cap of Seph's original LJ info page, but it was something like "I'm a collarered submissive man living in a polygamous household" (very paraphrased, but collared submissive male definitely appeared.