This is too funny not to share

[erastes]

Someone just posted this on Speak Its Name, on the "Submit Your Book for Review" page:

Author Jenna Marie Christian Uses Book Sales to Help Childcare Facility in Need

You Broke My Heart, Now Go to Hell!, released May17, 2008
Now Available

CHICAGO, Ill.—Following the May 17, 2008 release of her book, You Broke My Heart, Now Go to Hell! Jenna Marie Christian made her first book signing appearance at Latin Street Dance Studios in downtown Chicago and continues to make strides as one of Chicago’s newest young authors.  Her recent announcement to provide a portion of the proceeds from the sale of the book for funding Fifth City Preschool in Chicago IL, characterizes her Angelic spirit and passion for giving back to the youth.

You Broke My Heart, Now Go to Hell! is an unique and entertaining self help book that encompasses the story of Jenna’s fury and want for revenge after being Dumped by her ungrateful Ex.  In this “Tell All”, the author gives you her personal and private details of a relationship gone horribly wrong, in hopes that young women can learn from the mistakes made with her failed attempts at a relationship.

Written to help young ladies as they struggle through tough breakups, this easy read is a must have for teens and for mothers to pass on to their daughters and college students.  It contains a useful guide teaching the steps to healing a broken heart and learning to fall in love with yourself.

You Broke My Heart, Now Go to Hell! is available at Author House, Borders, Amazon, Target.com, and Barnes; Nobles.  Ms. Christian gladly makes herself available for interviews and book signings upon request.

Jenna Marie Christian an alluring author and mesmerizing model, hails from Chicago, the daughter of legendary Blues singer Little Johnny Christian and the beautiful Mary L. Christian-Jones.  Driven, dedicated and charismatic, Ms. Christian is educated and well rounded in Acting, Latin Dance, Radio Broadcasting, Motivational Speaking and the Financial Profession.  Although Ms. Christian is just beginning, she admits the best is yet to come and she won’t stop striving to reach her goals.  She gives God and her parents the credit for all her current and future success.  “They are the wind beneath my wings.”

I think I'm going to go off and be sick now.  There are no words.

Comments

Move over!

[enolabloodygay.livejournal.com]

I think I need to use the porcelain telephone to talk to Huey too!

After I have finished laughing myself silly, that is!

Re: Move over!

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Awful, isn't it?

*makes face *

[haydenthorne.livejournal.com]

Am so taking pointers on self-promo now.

*scribblescribblescribble*

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Oh I could knock you up something like this, if you wanted it, Oh Soul of Angels....

:)

[haydenthorne.livejournal.com]

I rather like being called a Hot Tamale. Or a Pocket Rocket. Or a Babelicious Pixie. Christ, woman, stop me, will you?

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Wet Fish of the Diva on stand-by, Guv.

[adventurat.livejournal.com]

Notes to self:
- Capitalize Angelic when writing self-promo materials.
- For added pathos, capitalize Dumped and Ex, too.
- (Poss. also "ungrateful" - discuss with editor.)
- Credit a deity and the parents, of course. Cite turgid love songs if poss.

Fantastic tips. My face hurts.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

It's a "how not to" really, isn't it? I should submit it to Dear Author.

[adventurat.livejournal.com]

It is! You should! Do, do!

[semioticwarrior.livejournal.com]

Oh, shit, that's awesome! I wonder if there are as many typos in the book as there are in the 5-star review she gave herself.

Oh, my. I am a bitch.

[adventurat.livejournal.com]

Yes you are. But in a good way. ;)

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Not at all, just honest!

[muroku.livejournal.com]

Is it wrong of me to think that maybe. Just maybe...the charity angle helped get her book published?

[mzcalypso.livejournal.com]

It would be wrong to think anybody would print this turkey without a charity angle, but my bet is it's a vanity press. You notice there is no publisher mentioned.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

No - Author House will publish anyone as long as they get paid.

[zamaxfield.livejournal.com]

A healthy self-esteem. What do you suppose the title of her next book will be?

"Loving Yourself... So No One Else Can."

[adventurat.livejournal.com]

Good thing I wasn't eating or drinking when I read that; I'd need a new computer! *snort*

[erastes.livejournal.com]

She describes herself on her MySpace as an earth angel - but the book seems to be about getting revenge! I could write a very good revengeful inspirational book... It would probably get me arrested though..

:)

[zamaxfield.livejournal.com]

There were just no words!

"It's All About Me: A Modern Love Story"

[mzcalypso.livejournal.com]

Maybe you should send her a cover snap of Speak Its Name and explain that maybe this isn't the best place for her to send her treacle?

[erastes.livejournal.com]

I emailed her directly and said exactly that. I wasn't very polite either.

[rwday.livejournal.com]

Oh ugh. I think I'll be sick right along with you. And anyway, how is that book even remotely related to gay historical fiction?

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Revolting, isn't it? And that's what I asked her when I emailed her. No response though. She was obviously just spamming everything on wordpress that was remotely related to books.

[mzcalypso.livejournal.com]

Written to help young ladies as they struggle through tough breakups, this easy read is a must have for teens and for mothers to pass on to their daughters and college students. It contains a useful guide teaching the steps to healing a broken heart and learning to fall in love with yourself.

Because yourself is the only person who can stand you?

[erastes.livejournal.com]

*laughs*

And I've just spotted this in the section you quoted: this easy read is a must have for teens and for mothers to pass on to their daughters

Wow - teen mums - trailer trash, much?

[mylodon.livejournal.com]

If I gave this to my daughters they'd smack me one. And "say get a life". And other terms of endearment.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

It's wonderful, isn't it? A 25 year old with probably one Ex Boyfriend giving Advice to Mothers.

and yes, Random Capitalisation is Contagious

[aphephobia.livejournal.com]

Jenna Marie Christian an alluring author and mesmerizing model, hails from Chicago, the daughter of legendary Blues singer Little Johnny Christian and the beautiful Mary L. Christian-Jones. Driven, dedicated and charismatic, Ms. Christian is educated and well rounded in Acting, Latin Dance, Radio Broadcasting, Motivational Speaking and the Financial Profession. Although Ms. Christian is just beginning, she admits the best is yet to come and she won’t stop striving to reach her goals. She gives God and her parents the credit for all her current and future success. “They are the wind beneath my wings.”


What the hell does that have to do with the book?

If the writing in the book is as bad as her talk-up... geez. It sounded like it could have been possibly remotely interesting until that last paragraph which essentially made it into "Read some self-absrbed loser's story and advice on her life."


Written to help young ladies as they struggle through tough breakups, this easy read is a must have for teens and for mothers to pass on to their daughters and college students.

Young ladies. Geez... condescending, much?

[mzcalypso.livejournal.com]

Better than inflicting it on old ladies.

[aphephobia.livejournal.com]

Depends on how old we're talking. If I was particularly senile, I probably wouldn't notice the grammatical errors as much.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

She's 25, so I don't think I'd want to take break-up advice from her anyway. Her myspace is even more sick-making.

[aphephobia.livejournal.com]

On the up side, if she can get published, I'm sure I can.

And thinking about this a bit more:

She gives God and her parents the credit for all her current and future success.

Someone should let Richard Dawkins see this. Having seen her MySpace, I couldn't help but think "There IS NO GOD."

[zehavit-lamasu.livejournal.com]

"You broke my heart - now go to hell" THE SYNOPSES:

"But Honey - you can't leave me! I am Alluring... and... and Mesmerising... also... ANGELIC!!!"

"Sorry Baby! I am Gay!!!"

"Since Wheeeeeen?"

"Since NOW!"

"Well then... GO TO HELL!"

"No! I'll just pop over to Speak Its Name!"

*~*~*~*~*


And this is why she is promoting her book to you... totally suitable... TOTALLY!!! *serious face*

[erastes.livejournal.com]

*falls off chair with the giggles*

Now that actually makes a lot of sense!!

[crawling-angel.livejournal.com]

And then he kissed her...The End!

Now my icon IS Angelic!

[essayel.livejournal.com]

Ms. Christian is educated and well rounded just like me in that I too went to school and am 40 lbs over weight.

If you have completely emptied and have reached the stage of dry heaves you might brave her website - www.missjennamarie.com - because I wouldn't recommend approaching it on an full stomach.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

I'm terrified to go - I had a look at her Myspace and that was bad enough.

*risks it*

*iz sicker*

[essayel.livejournal.com]

*iz sorry and offers ginger to settle stomach*

[cynical-woman.livejournal.com]

I looked. I know I shouldn't have, but I looked. For someone who's so angelic, why is she posed like a two dollar hooker with her book? Her promo pics in the gallery section say, "Pimp me!" in more ways than one...

[alex-beecroft.livejournal.com]

LOL! Aw, bless, poor girl. Will she ever find a man who loves her as much as she loves herself?

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Very unlikely.

Not after this book, anyway!

[aphephobia.livejournal.com]

Thinking some more about this: I think you should return the favour and leave ads on her MySpace and website for Speak Its Name. Fair's fair, right? ;)

[erastes.livejournal.com]

You are the kind of evil genius I love!

[iulia_linnea.livejournal.com]

Oh, certainly—I'll run right out for that book. *gags*

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Vile, isn't it? I'm going to go and put ads for speak its name on her MySpace.

[iulia_linnea.livejournal.com]

*snickers*